Swipe Left
My niece was here visiting for the holiday. First time with her new baby. It was sweet spending so much time with her, her husband and budding family. When she wasn’t tending to her child (23/7) we caught up a bit on the deeper stuff of life.
She and her husband have different energies and often approaches to life and relating. He is attentive, yet quite laid back in his approach. His voice is quiet, assuring. He is present in conversations and seems interested in whatever the topic is. Knowledgeable in many, and just curious enough about others that he offers his opinion(s) about a wide variety of subjects, from chocolate to AI. My niece tends to be more excitable, less laid back, worries, plans and has a good bit of tension as she figures out the details of her life. They also have to some degree, different belief systems, approaches in the bigger picture cultural narrative they are enmeshed in.
Both are tech-y. Both are younger than me --by about ½ my life.
She shared with me that from time to time when she gets news she isn’t so thrilled with or requires a life pivot, she gets nervous and depends on her husband for support. He remains calm and has a more thoughtful approach to these pivots suggests to her that she ‘swipe left’ when it gets to be too much. I think she enjoys this redirect, as she was enthusiastic when she shared this with me. I was instantly a yes for this! Such a simple way of saying you are in charge of your thoughts --pick something else to think. Or maybe more simply, it means ‘what’s next’. As soon as she said this to me, I was fascinated.
Swipe left. I often use way more words to describe the benefits of swiping left. Beginning with the idea that your thinking is where the suffering is (read more about this here). When teaching Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we contrast the difference between feelings and thoughts. Feelings are quick to come, quick to shift, and are an embodied experience telling us about life. Their purpose is to let us know what needs we are celebrating as met or longing for more of. Their function is similar to a check engine light in a car, alerting us to what’s happening inside of us so we might take action. Distinguishing our feelings from our thoughts is essential for a happy life. Why is this important to know? Because it helps us to become more and more responsible for our experience(s), rather than outsource our joy, happiness or contentment to another or to a situation at hand. It is where our power lies. Inside. Not outside.
A few weeks ago, I went to my car and found the battery had died. The key fob where I press the button to unlock the door didn’t work. The key did though. My first thought was “What happened?” I felt confused and scared. I often won’t drive my car for a few days, so I lose track of what might have happened between the last time I drove it and ‘now’. My second thought was “What if I need a new car?” I felt panicked. I could feel the difference in my body. The result of our thoughts and then feelings has an impact on us (and others) more significant than you might think. Literally our biochemistry changes. If we are in considerable distress, we move into sympathetic mode (think fight/flight) and our immune system shuts down. Our systems are preparing to keep us safe and ready to protect ourselves, moving the blood from our cortex (brains) to our muscular system to run or fight. This state is a fabulous bodily response for 20 minutes or so, when we actually must fight or flee, yet not great for thinking clearly through a situation and damaging for our overall wellbeing. Our bodies were not meant for a long-term and ongoing response to this kind of distress. It is debilitating and one of the reasons our immune system illnesses are chronically challenged in the modern world. If others are nearby, then their bodies are impacted in the very same way. Have you noticed that being near people who consistently go into high alert and seemingly small things is unpleasant? This is why.
In the story about my car, thank goodness I was quickly able to notice what I what thinking and it wasn’t helpful. I returned to the observation --the battery is dead, nothing more, nothing less. I called AAA to give me a jump, then called Steve, who was able to tell me all the reasons why my battery might be dead pointing out that perhaps I was lucky to be home waiting for AAA rather than on the road somewhere. Upon arrival, Jarrell the mechanic let me know that I simply needed a new battery. He was very pleasant, knowledgeable and had the battery I needed right there in his truck. Within 20 minutes I was good to go. The thought that I might need a new car was, for certain, neither a helpful or productive thought, and had I stayed there I would have suffered greatly for one hour while I waited.
What I was happy about was that I noticed right away that I went to worst case scenario. I was able to interrupt the thought. I swiped left. I actually had a bit of a giggle that that’s where my mind went. What was the likelihood that I would need a new car? 2% chance, maybe less. Not sure about the number, yet guessing it was quite low. There is a reason why we tend to think the worst. Take a look here if you want to read more about the Negativity Bias we were born with. It is wired into you, so remember to have compassion and just do the work to notice when it happens.
In 2013, I decided that worrying was not an effective strategy for anything. My replacement habit is to prepare and just see what happens. I swipe left. It has served me well.
What is your capacity to swipe left? Is it before you say or do something that you regret? Or soon thereafter? Or is it more of a challenge? Has there been a high impact to your own wellbeing or the wellbeing of another because you believed what you were thinking and weren’t able to make the shift? Once that happens, there is an impact of the time it takes to do relationship repair. Another reason to swipe left.
If you want support and tips for how to do this, please leave a comment. I have lots of ideas and practices that might help you.