"Release Me Please"

I saw a commercial for a TV show called Best Medicine.  Having never seen the show, from the 30 second commercial, I’m making the assumption it’s about a doctor who is on the spectrum or something like that, which causes him to be what we might call awkward in how we typically relate to each other.  The scene was a shorter, grey haired elder woman thanking a much taller and younger doctor in his formal white lab coat for his care, and giving him a big hug.  Obviously uncomfortable, he replied, “Release Me Please”.  I thought this was super funny.

My mind was immediately drawn to exploring honesty and how we weave this into our relationships.  When you think about your close relationships, is honesty an important need?  Is it something you want to depend on?  I don’t know the actual % of people who would say yes or no.  There are those who like the idea of honesty, yet have a few caveats, meaning they don’t tell everyone everything.  Maybe there are things you’ve done in the past that you want to keep private, or share only with some people.  My thought remains consistent --what needs are met from sharing and what needs are met by not sharing.  The folks at the Radical Honesty workshops I have participated in might be alarmed at this.  I’m not.  Who can even remember everything there is to tell?  In my partnership relationship, while we might not hold secrets, there are still times when I hear a childhood story, or work history story, or family story that I haven’t before.  I find it kind of exciting when something like this gets woven into our knowing of each other!

The kind of honesty that I am referring to is the day-to-day conversations we have.   Early on in my relationship I was insistent on honesty being an essential part of my primary relationships.  Insistent!  Yet, there were plenty of times that I made it difficult for others to share what was true for them.  I felt scared when I heard some of the things they said for lots of (good) reasons, yet how I offered my feelings was typically not pleasant for anyone, nor was it productive.  Mostly because in those days, I didn’t know about tracking on needs, I just wanted to feel good, and what they were saying was ‘making me feel’ bad.  Life was simple and quite challenging back then.

I now know that how I feel is determined by what’s happening inside of me, and that no one is really able to make me feel anything in particular.  The needs that I value so deeply are at the center of and are influencing my thoughts and feelings.  The feelings are the same.  The conversation is astonishingly different.  Even pleasant.

All of this is leading to the idea of checking in with the people we are relating to, whether it is a family member, colleague, a neighbor, or someone in your community.  Actually checking in or simply noticing the response we receive to what we’re saying or doing.  If I’m giving someone a hug to express my gratitude, and they don’t like it and tell me so, am I willing to offer them another way?  Or do I take offense in some way and now withhold my gratitude --assuring that the need I long for is not going to get met.  Do I blame them for the need not getting met, or can I see how I am contributing to that loss?

I might enjoy being enveloped in a juicy hug when I do something that someone is grateful for.  Yet, it isn’t true that I want a hug from just anyone.  Anyway, this isn’t about hugging, this is about honesty and considering the needs of everyone equally important in relationships.  It is also about being able to track on how we are contributing to those needs being met and offering strategies that might be pleasant for all involved.
If you offered someone a hug and they said “Please Release Me”, would you take offense, maybe feel shame, make yourself (or them) wrong in some way?  I invite you instead to immediately thank them for caring for themselves, and suggest another way to show your gratitude--remembering what your intention was in the first place --sharing gratitude.

Your conversation might sound something like, “Of course, thank you for asking (and release them).  I am so grateful for your care and I want you to know that.  Would a handshake do for now?  Or a simple thank you?”  Listen for their response and respond accordingly.

If they agree to your offers and it isn’t enough for you, maybe consider other ideas:  Sending a thank you note, or gift.  Maybe ask someone who knows this person well, what they might suggest. 

Remember there are likely many strategies that will meet the needs of all the people involved.  Hold on tightly to all the needs--there is no requirement to compromise here.  The solution is to become wildly creative when you consider what strategies will meet them. 

One final thought…unfortunately for the TV Network that produced this show, I was not inspired to watch the show.  I was only inspired to write this blog.