The Difference Between Belonging and Fitting In

Marshall Rosenberg, PhD has suggested in his teaching that our deepest need is to belong, to be able to contribute, to matter --these needs being similar or nuanced.  One of the reasons this is true is that we are pack animals and our safety/security needs depend on having confidence that we belong and are an important part of our tribe.  In modern times this can be our family, our friend group, our neighborhood, and the like.  To have a community to which we are vital.

Those of us who haven’t had our deep belonging needs met while growing up find it difficult to experience it well as an adult.  Instead, we use the strategy of fitting in.  Even at the cost of being seen for who we truly are.  This can get very messy very quickly.  We blame the other(s) for not being seen or heard, when it is simply impossible for them to do.  Why?  Because we are broadcasting out who we think we need to be in order to fit in --even when it isn’t the true version of us.  This results in others seeing our false broadcast continuing to repeat the experience of not being seen.

This is where it is our job to show up.  Be authentic (a new buzzword).  It is likely more challenging than we think it should be as we are changing lifelong strategies which haven’t been effective to meet the needs.  As Marshall might say, they are tragic ways to get our needs met.  Fitting in is a strategy, yet it rarely will meet the need of belonging or to be seen for who we truly are.

These are a few examples that describe the differences I’m hoping to distinguish.

Growing up, while I may have had challenges in my family, a sense of belonging was not one of them.  I looked like everyone else.  We had traditions that I was a part of and ‘had’ to go to.  Meaning I knew who my people were, and I was an integral part of what we were doing together.  It didn’t particularly matter if I wanted to go or not, being a part of my family meant my attendance was required.  Participating in the boring holiday dinners that lasted way too long year in and year out, or going to Friday night services with my parents who were a part of the synagogue.  This sense of belonging was met, even though what I was doing might not have been that much fun.  We had dinnertime. 7 people eating together every single night.  These were our rituals.  I was a part of my tribe.  This also happened in ways that I enjoyed, not only ways that were unpleasant.

And there is more.  My neighborhood, and my street in particular had kids of all ages.  We all went through the same schools (different grades) and we mostly spent time outdoors playing together after dinner and on the weekends, or walking to the bus stop together. We knew each other, and our parents knew each other.  I had one friend in particular who is still dear to me and that I am close with.  Literally have known her forever.  She had a large family and they also got together often.  I knew them all growing up.

Last week, unfortunately there was a significant death in her family. After the funeral there was a gathering for the mourners.  My experience of belonging to this group of people, most who I had not seen for 40 years was palpable.  I knew they would remember me and felt confident to say hello to each and every one.  It was comforting and connecting.  It is not typical of me, who avoids unstructured mingling. At the same time, I didn’t really fit in.  Meaning, what our lives were like were quite different.  At this event, with this family, fitting in didn’t matter.  I belonged with them.

Another example in my life includes the ecovillage that my partner is a member of.  I have been visiting Earthaven for 25 years now.  I might know more about the history and the founders than many of the younger members, yet I am not a member.  I am not there day in and day out.  I don’t quite fit in, yet I definitely belong. 

One more example that comes to mine is my step family.  My father remarried when I was 15 and I have been going to Christmas Eve dinner with Marie’s family since then.  Wow, just doing the math now and it’s over 50 years!!  My father and Marie have both passed away over 10 years ago and this family continues to invite me (and my blood family) every year.  While I don’t quite fit in, I definitely belong.

I can also remember times in my life that I desperately wanted to fit in.  Culturally mostly.  In my teens and early 20s, I wanted to be thin and pretty.  In hindsight, I am now aware of all the ways I gave myself up in order to fit in and be accepted --mostly with boys, and young men.  I was never thin enough nor pretty enough.  Almost, just not quite.  As I look back this was actually quite painful.  There is a good deal to unpack and explore about this time in life, yet I’ll save it for another day.

Since then, I have done a good deal of work fostering accepting myself more fully.  Becoming an elder helps with that as well.  Having had a counter cultural narrative for most of my adult life, I am now proud of the ways I don’t fit it, and have given it up as a strategy to feel safe.

What I am hoping to offer you in this writing and these stories is there is a difference between fitting in, which I think can be quite painful to do over and over, especially if you lose yourself in the effort.  I’m hoping that you instead, will find your sense of belonging.  Keep looking for that.  This search begins with you.  I think it will help if you take a deep dive into your own acceptance of who you are, what your life is about and celebrating that with wild abandon.  Watch for the ways you give yourself up for someone else’s acceptance.  It might be elusive or just under your capacity to notice.  Bring this exploration into the forefront of your mind.  Find, little by little, one by one, the people in your tribe.  If you are broadcasting your authentic self, your people will magically show up because they will see you.  Those who celebrate the choices you make, whether those choices are crazy to them or not. Ultimately there are people who don’t agree with something(s) you do, or believe in.  I’m guessing it won’t matter so much that you agree, if your connection is deep enough so that you know you matter.