Triggered? You Can Still Find Connection.

The word triggered is widely used these days.  I think people use it to convey the message that they are no longer in control of their behavior.  Usually, they will refer to something that happened in their past that they remember or remain unconscious about in the moment.   A common term that psychologists use is trauma informed response.  Most challenges people have to remain present are all, in some way, trauma informed.  Our internal map of reality, the ‘baggage’ we bring to relationships, our barriers to connection come from our past –for better or for worse.

When trying to navigate subjects in our relationships that trigger us, communication can get quite complicated.  When both parties are triggered, it becomes almost impossible to dialogue about whatever it is.  We literally aren’t able to hear what the other person is saying to us, we hear –and believe, the meaning we make of what they are saying (or tone of voice).  The reply can have the flavor of “You make me feel….”.  Giving up our own power and responsibility for our side of the situation.  This is when it is essential to get support. 

Additional words use to describe this experience are hooked, or having a knee-jerk reaction to something.  The common experience is that we most often aren’t aware it’s happening, and even if we are, we aren’t aware of the ‘cause’.  We are just stuck in a flight/flight/freeze response.  And what we respond with in this case is typically not going to actually generate any needs being met.  Anger, arguing and blame escalates with lightning speed.

One of the problems when we are triggered, is that we have instantly lost connection to what’s happening in real time.  We no longer care about the other because our biochemistry is giving us the message that we aren’t safe.  Which isn’t true, yet our bodymind thinks it is true.  This is why so often people say they aren’t emotionally safe.  Their actual physical safety is confused with some sort of desire to be agreed with.   This has everything to do with your past rather than the present and it gets messy almost instantly.

While the steps are simple to interrupt your triggers, the process takes time, attention, intention and a good deal of practice to unpack it.  Why?  Because we must slow things down enough to notice it is happening.  Make the space to see the unseen.  The more you can bring awareness to what has happened, or is happening in the moment the more you can shift your response.  And, the ore often that you do something different than the usual response, the easier it becomes in the moment.  This is referred to as neuroplasticity.  [You can read about it in the book, A General Theory of Love.  While following the science, it is written in easy-to-understand language.]

One of my concerns when working with people who find themselves triggered, and share it over and over is that they think it always has to be this way.  That others must forgive their distress, and whatever happens when they are in distress.  As I mentioned above, it is difficult to become responsible for our experience because it takes a good deal of effort.  I’m wanting to discern whether someone wants a pass rather than to do the work to re-wire their system.  A form of internal resignation.

For someone who has had less trauma in their lives, it can be difficult to believe that the other person truly isn’t capable of responding with more presence of their own.  If you are

relating to someone who struggles to get out from under their past trauma, the best first thing to do is be prepared to bring all the empathy you can muster into the conversation.  Empathy truly is the salve.   Having compassion for the depth of the work required is worth it.  If you can be present in this way, then at some point, the healing does happen. 

It can be too much to bear for either party who struggles with past traumas interfering with present connection.  Knowing how resourced you are on either side of this is essential.  If you aren’t able to offer empathy, then say so.  Together strategize how you both will support yourselves and each other through these kinds of struggles.  If you want truly want connection and ease and honesty and harmony in your relationships, this is the kind of exploration that is required.