Appreciations, When is it Too Much?

I can’t remember a day when I had the thought that I was experiencing too many appreciations.   I haven’t yet found my limit of giving them, or receiving them.  Every now and then, I notice a bit of ‘wanting to deflect’ and not receive the appreciation.  For lots of reasons.  I am able to pretty quickly shift that to just saying ‘thank you’ and taking it in fully.  And it feels so good.  Like a warm hug, or cup of hot tea.

Sharing appreciations (or gratitudes with others is super fun for me.  Thinking of creative ways to let people know how they have contributed to my life is something I like doing.  Quite a bit.

I do hear from people I work with that it seems weird.  They can’t just go into work and appreciate someone.  Or thank them twice for the same thing.  Or repeat their gratitudes over and over.  I agree, it does seem outside what we tend to do in general.  Or what seems normal in our current cultural climate.

I also hear that people are so very tired of all the divisiveness.  Of all the polarity and name calling.  Of all the hostility the world is steeped in right now.  A great first step is to assess your own life choices and how you navigate through what is called the Negativity Bias.  We have descended from generations of people who noticed what was wrong, got scared and took some action.  That is wired deeply into our being that it seems natural or normal to repeat our complaints over and over.  It also gives us some insight to how it seems so awkward to offer deep appreciations, even once, let alone repeatedly.

It would all be fine, yet one of the remedies for a relationship that is suffering, is to weave in appreciations – over and over.  Appreciations can relieve a great deal of stress that exists in couple-dom, and quite frankly, virtually all relationships.  Imagine a workplace that tells you (and celebrates) all that you did right each day.  Might that shift how you feel about your job?

Let’s distinguish appreciations from compliments –because it makes a difference.

A compliment is an opinion (judgement) that is offered as the truth to another person.  It is the flip side of a what we call judgements –only on the positive side of things.  Most of us don’t enjoy judgements (you are too this or that) except when they are on the ‘positive’ side.  Yet, often the compliment is deferred or deflected.  Have you ever said to someone, “Your hair looks great!” only to receive back, “It’s so dirty!” or “I really need to get it cut.”  The message is not received.  Instead, an appreciation sounds like, “I really like how your hair looks today, maybe it has more curl?”  The appreciation still might not be taken in, yet the statement is accurate.  “I like your hair.”  Rather than an interpretation which could be argued til the end of time, “Your hair looks good.”  No it doesn’t, yes it does, no it doesn’t…The actual truth is that hair can’t, in reality, look good or not good.  It just is the way it is, and people either like it or they don’t.  This is the same with virtually everything, which is why we talk about observations so often in Nonviolent Communication circles. 

When I suggest you offer appreciations, please remember it is a sharing of your experience, how you feel and why.  Rather than convince the other person that you are right about how ‘great’ they are.

People often stop themselves because they think an appreciation has to be something ‘big’ or ‘important’.  Sure, if you have those do those.  Share the others as well.  Anything. 

I appreciate you for the funny sneakers you wear. 
I appreciate you for how you look in those pants.
I appreciate you for bringing the mail upstairs.
I appreciate you for your brown eyes.
I appreciate you for partnering with me.
I appreciate you for hanging the picture in the living room 10 years ago.
I appreciate you because you wear shorts in winter and I think that’s funny.
I appreciate you because you can carry heavy things.
I appreciate you for your love of…(sports, cats, wood floors, white paint, anything!)
I appreciate you because you used the leftovers in the refrigerator.
I appreciate you for anything!!!

Repeat. 

I encourage you to repeat the appreciations over and over.  No need to come up with new ones every time.  My partner put a magnet on my pantry door a few years ago so it would click shut.  It was a simple task for him.  He will remind me that ‘we did it together; although I think my role was the tool holder.  It took about 15 – 30 minutes of our time, including sourcing the materials and implementation.  The quality of my life hearing that door click closed (probably 10 times a day) is extraordinary.  Every time I hear it, I delight that it is actually shut, and that it doesn’t stick out that ½ inch.  I have thanked him likely 100 times –just for that one project.  Yes, I might be an over-celebrator, yet I actually feel the joy and the gratitude and want to let him know.

Why do this?

When your relationship(s) are filled with letting the other person know that you value them.  When you share with them the specific ways they contribute to your life, over and over, you build trust.  You develop a sense of belonging and care that is a strong foundation for partnership.  This sense of mutual trust and belonging and partnership makes it so much easier to navigate and dialogue about the hard stuff –when you disagree.  When our people disagree with us, or we question our value, our need for safety and security is too challenged –we go into flight/flight/freeze.  In this state of being, conversations are filled with angst and fear.  We think we are going to lose the other person when emotionally and mentally we already have. We believe the risk of speaking up will cause a rift that we won’t be able to overcome.  This brings in so much stress and distress making it almost impossible to talk about ‘the complaints’ in a way that is connecting.  In the state of deep belonging and trust and care, you are more able to become curious about what’s happening with the other (good or bad) because your own well-being is not at stake.  This is what delightful, rich and satisfying relationships of all kinds are made of.

Here are some of the ways my partner and I have woven appreciations into our relationship over the years.  This is a real list.  We really have done these things. 

~Put scrabble letters in a bowl, pick a letter and appreciate the other using the letter you picked.
~Full alphabet appreciations.  Start with A, end with Z, both people go, unless there is a reason not to.  Sometimes X and Z are wild cards –use any letter again.  Not always.
~Box of appreciations.  I had a lovely box that some notecards came in.  When I had used up all the cards, I filled it with about 75 cards of different appreciations.  Every few years, I might add 10 or 20 newer ones.
~Set a timer on cell phone to do a lunch time or appreciation.
~Designate a chalkboard/whiteboard appreciation wall.  Use post it notes if you have just a regular wall.  Then you can move them around.  And good for the whole family.
~Dinner time appreciations.  Maybe in addition to ‘grace’ or instead of.
~Photo appreciations.  I’m a big fan of taking photos of the thing I am appreciating.  Then send in an email or text.
~Some sort of contest.  (I’m a bit competitive).  Who can appreciate the other more?

~Appreciate someone who isn’t your partner – For example, the tile guy who installed the tile in your bathroom that you still love, 8 years later.

~Repeat appreciations for whatever.  Installing that shelf, making the best thing ever for dinner, for wearing blue pants.  –keep it simple.

One final thought. 

Steve (my partner) and I tend to enjoy competition as I mentioned above.  This year he decided to mail me a weekly gratitude card (thank you note).  He is using a set that he bought which makes it easier for him. I have received 4 cards so far.  What he doesn’t know is that I decided to do the same with the appreciation and gratitude cards I designed years ago.  What he especially doesn’t know is that I am going to send him 53 cards.  Which means not only do we steep in weekly appreciations of each other, I am going to win!!