What is Static Language and Why is it a Problem?

Static Language is when you offer your thoughts –your interpretations as the truth of the matter rather than revealing the more tender thoughts and feelings you are experiencing about whatever happened.  It’s a problem because you will likely receive a defensive response, or none at all.  Both creating more disconnection and distance in your relationship(s).

One of the easiest ways to notice if you are using static language is when you use the phrases:  It is, You are, He/She is, I am, They are.  Basically all versions of the verb ‘TO BE”. 

When discussing this with my partner, he reminded me that Marshall Rosenberg, PhD (developer of Nonviolent Communication) spoke about this in one of his video series.  He referred to it as E Prime. There are some languages that don’t have the verb To Be.   Our conversation deepened into the work of Thomas Berry, a theologian known for his wisdom regarding the new cosmology.  He wrote extensively about religious beliefs --moving from seeing our world through the lens of a collection of objects that got plopped on the earth in a week, and moving into thinking through the evolutionary perspective –meaning everything is fluid and moving rather than static.  He called it time-developmental.  Our discussion moved onto the evolution of science, from Newtonian Physics, which describes everything as an object to Quantum Physics where things are in constant movement, rather than fixed in space and don’t actually exist as ‘things’.  These conversations that go on and on is one reason why I appreciate my partner so much. 

Keeping it to communication, the simple advice I am offering is to avoid using these kinds of statements and replace them with phrases that share more of how you feel or the ‘meaning you make’ about what happened.

Why?

First, because it isn’t really true.  There are no absolutes when it comes to how we all experience things.  The meaning I make, and the meaning you make could be –and often are, wildly different.  Second, depending on what you are discussing, you will most often be met with more distance in your relationship, rather than connection.

Replace the static sentences with what happened (observations), how you feel about it (feelings) and why (the needs)?

Here’s an example
It’s a beautiful day!  (How can this be a disconnecting sentence, you ask?)

Sometimes it isn’t, yet I use it as an example –partly because it is extreme, partly because this topic isn’t what causes distress in your relationships.  And it fits as an example.

What is true?
It is 75 degrees, sunny, and low humidity –say 50%

What isn’t true:
It’s a beautiful day!

Beautiful Day is an interpretation of the weather.  It isn’t actually abstractly true.  Some people like sunny, dry weather and some prefer hot and humid.   In the phrase above you deliver your thoughts/feelings as if it is the only conclusion exists about the weather.

What is true --and more revealing about how you are:
I love this kind of weather.  It suits my personal comfort.  I feel so happy when it is sunny out and enjoy these kinds of days so much.  Whether I go out and do errands, or sit outside and have a cup of tea, or head to a park, my life seems so much easier.

What happens when you say, “It’s a beautiful day!” to someone who doesn’t love this weather? In addition to declaring your interpretation as ‘the truth’, you are implicitly communicating that you aren’t interested in what they think about the weather. 

Perhaps they have good reasons to avoid the sun.  When it is super sunny out, they feel discouraged and concerned for their health.  They either must wear long sleeves –which is uncomfortable because they are too hot in that case or stay in.  Perhaps they are concerned because they love going to the beach and feel a good deal of sadness that they no longer can sit outside without covering up.  Rather than fielding all the questions of their friends about why they are covering up, they decide not to join in the fun they used to regularly, and tend to drop out of regular conversations. 

Perhaps they have a garden, and prefer the rainy days because it relieves them of an hour’s work in the morning watering their plants, plus the cost of using that much water each day.

They find themselves in a situation where they must disagree with you. Forced to say, no you are wrong.  When it is sunny, 75 degrees and low humidity it isn’t a beautiful day.  Using this example, you might say, what’s the big deal, just speak up and tell people what you think.  Sure, sometimes it’s easy to do.   Most often, it just isn’t so.  Usually because we are ‘conflict adverse’ and prefer just leave it go.  Connection is lost –maybe just a little bit.   Unless they agree, they might just not say anything.  Little by little, more and more connection is lost, making room for resignation and possibly build resentment.

Here's an example that makes it a bit easier to understand the challenge.
Perhaps I say to you, “You were pretty arrogant and annoying at the party last night.  I can’t believe how long you went on about politics.  People were rolling their eyes and wanting to leave the conversation.  And for so long.  You are so unaware of what is going on around you.  It was a pretty rough night.”

Eek!  Now do you get it?

What do you think your response to me will be?  Is what I said helpful for our connection?  How much energy and communication skills must you bring into keeping this conversation going?  Would you just defend your position, or share a criticism back, or storm out of the room?

What might be easier for you to hear…
I had a hard time at the party last night when you were talking about politics and the candidates.  I would like to talk about how that went and what it was like for me and how you experienced it.  Are you interested in discussing it with me?  If they say yes, then, continue with...

“I felt uncomfortable.  I felt confused.  It seemed to me that people weren’t super engaged in what you were saying.  As I remember it, about half the people sitting with us (maybe even name the people) got up and went to another room.  Did you notice that as well?” 

Now you and I are in dialogue.  I am sharing with you what I noticed (how many people left) and how I felt about it (confused and uncomfortable).  I also offered you my curiosity about how the time was for you.  No need to argue my label of you (static language –you were arrogant and annoying).  Said this way I am inviting connection and understanding.

While it still might be a bit difficult to talk about without tension, there is an invitation to do so.  Most of us are so wired to hear a complaint (even when it is not intended) anything we can do to invite dialogue, conversation and mutual understanding will help alleviate disconnection in our relationships.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think.

Static language can also be a bit more subtle.  Here’s an opportunity for you to explore if you do this and how it impacts your relationships.  Below is a short list of examples of how you might be offering your interpretation (assessment) of situations rather than offering how you feel about what’s happening.

Have you said (or thought)…

“Why are you so sensitive?  I can say this to anyone else and they are fine.”
“It’s just what families do.”
“Can’t you just accept me as I am?”
“I want to be able to just talk to you without having to use your language.”
“If you loved me, you would just do what I’m asking.  It’s not so much.”
“Mary’s kids call her every day, why can’t you?”
“We used to do this all the time and it wasn’t a problem.”

All these sentences indicate that what you think is the truth of the situation.  Offering the conclusion that the other person is wrong in their choices.  What happens in this case?  Likely the person you are saying this to will be in a position of defending themselves, or opt out of the conversation because it seems so hard to get out from under your assessments of them.  Either way, connection is lost.

Here's an example of what could be said for in the last statement listed above.

“We used to do this all the time and it wasn’t a problem.”

“I miss the way we used to go to the store together and then make snacks and eat them as soon as we got home.  It was so fun for me.  I remember laughing and talking.  Now you no longer seem to want to do that with me.  I ask and most often you say no.  I’d love to understand why you say no.  And, I really would love to come up with a new way for us to do connection things.”

This offers us a new way to connect and understand each other.  It reveals how I feel and indicates interest in what’s important to you. 

If you are ever wondering why someone who used to talk with you, or hang out with you a bunch has been reaching out less and less, perhaps reflecting on the ways you might be using static language will give you an insight. 

You might also be on the receiving side of static language.  There are ways to stay in the conversation that makes it more enjoyable for you.  Stay tuned.  In another post, I will share with you a ‘how to’ remain engaged ongoingly with someone who consistently believes what they think, and shares it with you as the truth.  Remain hopeful.  It isn’t so difficult.