Communication Basics ~ Demystifying Empathy

Empathy is essential to having relationships that feel good and are satisfying and supportive.  Being able to dive into and explore our own needs and feelings and another person’s needs and feelings is truly a salve to the disconnection, resignation and resentments that can build up quickly or over time between people.

As we study Nonviolent Communication (NVC) more and more deeply, we talk about self-empathy and empathy for others on the regular.  While it’s not the only skill, it truly is fundamental for healthy and happy relationships.  And…it often seems so misunderstood and elusive to many.

Here are some basics to help you with your empathy practice:

1.  Empathy is not agreement.  I am easily able to hear what’s important to another, or the meaning they are making about what has been said or is happening, when I relieve myself with any idea that I will be agreeing with what they say to me.  When there is confusion about empathy requires some type of agreement, I’m guessing reluctance develops to even listening.  Possibly that is why many are hesitant to even try to listen for feelings and needs.  In my experience, when I can sit with someone and witness their pain (or joy) it can be a marvelous way to truly ‘get’ them which isn’t possible in any other way. 

2.  Empathy doesn’t require that we fix anything, anyone or solve any problems.  In fact, it requires that we don’t do that.  It is simply a quality of listening that allows for the needs underneath whatever they are sharing to rise to the surface, to be acknowledged and known --for both the other person and you.  If you are the one offering empathy you will develop more intimacy, trust, and understanding, ultimately being able to create solutions that will meet the needs.

3.  Self-empathy or receiving empathy from someone else is a fabulous strategy for you to find calm and awareness of what’s important to you.  For you to connect to the needs that are alive in you when you find them challenging to connect to. The purpose isn’t particularly for you to calm down, or hold your anger in because it is considered inappropriate.  The purpose is to know what your needs are in order to have a better chance at meeting them.  It’s that simple. 

Please note (especially couples):  Receiving empathy from someone in particular is a strategy, not a need.  If you are saying, “I want empathy from her!  I want her to understand, or I want to her acknowledge this or that.” Then you are actually giving your power away.  I guess it seems counterintuitive for many.  Yet it is true.  If you demand that someone behave in a particular way, or say something in particular, for whatever reason, then likely it becomes more difficult for your needs to be met, because the other person will defend or pull back in some way in response --the opposite of what you are hoping for.

4.  Generally, we talk about ‘my’ needs and ‘your’ needs.  More and more over the years, I have landed on the idea of ‘the’ needs present’.  It’s another way of sinking into the idea that all needs matter equally, and either person can generate the experience by dropping into any conversation through that lens.  Holding tightly to the needs being met, while becoming super creative with the how that could happen.  Considering ‘the’ needs seems not only like less work (combining all the needs) and more connecting as a practice --rather than separating our yours and mine, there is an ‘ours’ that we are remembering to acknowledge.  It decreases the opportunity to forget the other person’s needs.

5.  There are many ways to have conversations (difficult and easy) that offer the possibility of maintaining the connection you enjoy.  Empathy is one we talk about most in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) a great deal because it is essential to getting to the needs.  Yet is not the only one.  Storytelling and sympathy, helping someone figure out new solutions, are all important for a well-rounded communication story with your partner, family, friends, etc.  It is important to be able to track on what is being asked for, and clear on what you are actually offering.  Does someone want (need) empathy?  Do they long for understanding, acknowledgement, help with a decision, shared reality?  Developing the skills to ask another what they are hoping for or to trust yourself enough to try connecting in a wide variety of ways, will be so helpful in remaining connected (rather than lose yourself or the other person) when the conversations include some challenging topics.

Empathy is quite simple.  Just a few things to remember about it --many listed above.  Let’s practice it over and over.  Let’s not complicate it.