Fresh and Clean?!
Given that I still watch television, I see commercials. Television is fraught with ideas and/or information shared as true or facts/observations, when in reality they are assessments delivered as the truth. It’s astounding to me that mostly (probably the most minutes of air time) this is what’s happening. When I am seeing this for myself, I wonder if the millions and millions of people also watching are thinking what I am? In most cases I’m thinking this is absolutely untrue. Maybe what they are watching is confirming their own perspective, giving them more peace, more confidence that they are doing what’s ‘right’ The danger in this is that it’s lessening their capacity to notice that what might be a conclusion, as ‘the truth’, rather than their conclusion or assessment based on real information (facts).
I notice it in the weather reports; not only do they tell me the temperature, dew points, and anticipated precipitation, which are all true or in NVC language, observations, they also include what kind apparel I should wear, and rate the day --which are interpretations of the observations.
I see it in the news as well. Even the label news versus stuff that we want to tell you, or the meaning we make of the news is not distinguishable for many.
Finally, and in particular, commercials. The sole purpose of a commercial is to convince you what they want you to know as the truth. They do this by repetition, and associating their products to shows you like, or on social media to the topics you have clicked on, or with appealing images.
This brings me to the title of this blog: Fresh and Clean. One clear example of this is how many commercials suggest buying things that keep you, or your place fresh and clean. What does fresh and/or clean mean? Mostly what they sell as fresh and/or clean is actually some mixture of [poisonous] chemicals. Do you prefer the smell of Lysol to the smell of let’s say cooked bacon that lingers? Is Lysol really fresh and clean? How about Clorox? Does the smell of bleach equal fresh and clean? Is the result of using it truly leaving your home cleaner than it was? Hair products? Skin care products? Home cleaning products, like Windex? Have you been in a Lyft/Uber with the tree that offers air that’s fresh and clean? I literally must cover my nose so I can breathe in. Yet it is supposed to leave me assured that the car is fresh and clean.
In my home, clean means you can eat something off the floor. That means cleaning with something that someone can eat. I use a vinegar/water/teeny bit of soap mixture. I’ve been in this house for 10 years my floors at very least, look clean given the comments from visitors, you might agree. If my grandniece comes over and drops food, I have no worries about her picking it back up and eating it. If I had used some kind of ‘product’ on my floor, I would be concerned. What the heck is in those other cleaning solutions? Is it safe to eat? If not, does that mean it’s actually clean. I’m not in agreement with what they are telling me is true. In the case of a television commercial or signs in the supermarket, or even the cultural narrative that what they sell is going to keep me safe from bacteria and the like, I have little recourse to engage in conversation about this.
How does this have anything to do with Nonviolent Communication and/or your relationships?
Because you and I do this too. With a good deal of consistency. And, typically differentiating the meaning we make (or conclusions) of the facts or observation is missed. The conflation of these two things (facts/observations from conclusions or meaning we make of the facts) happens so quickly we don’t notice it. Yet is often leads to confusion and/or disagreements.
Are we so used to just letting someone else tell us what the facts mean, that we don’t notice it when it happens? We no longer question it. Are we resigned to subtle disagreement that we just live with missed opportunity for shared reality, connection, mutual understanding with those we care about?
We tell people what ‘the truth’ is rather than revealing what’s true for us, simply as that. Is our capacity to own and reveal what’s important to us, via the structure of feelings and needs so restricted and restrained that we just don’t speak up, resulting in the experience of not being heard or seen for our reality? Is this when we simply say, I don’t feel safe to say what’s true? Is saying what’s true for us in this way so foreign, that we consider it confrontation? [Read my post about this here.]
The important thing here as you’ll see if you continue to read, is that while I truly believe that my cleaning solutions are the best, it is critical that I don’t insist that you agree with me. And, if you think that Clorox is the best choice, please don’t insist that I agree with you. It’s possible that we can use whatever we each choose in our homes and still enjoy each other’s company. We might even learn something we hadn’t thought of if we are able to listen to each other.
Examples of how this might sound in personal relationships are:
Appropriate:
What you said to my mom was inappropriate.
That’s inappropriate discussion in the workplace.
NVC REWRITE: I felt astonished that you said those things in the office. I’ve never heard anyone share as freely or as personally as you did yesterday.
Sensitive:
You are way too sensitive about that.
I’m more sensitive than anyone in your family, including you, so I am not safe to go there.
NVC REWRITE: I’m am so nervous to say what I want to when I hang out with your family. So often they just don’t agree with me, and yet agree with each other about what they think about what I share. I find it difficult to just speak my mind and have it be acknowledged or celebrated in any kind of way. I think I’ll opt out of this visit.
Hypocrite:
You are so hypocritical when you judge my children as rude, and yours as delightful.
You are such a hypocrite. You make rules for me, and don’t follow them yourself.
NVC REWRITE: I find it challenging to follow your thinking right now. Yesterday you said that you want freedom for everyone to choose their health care plans. Today, you are insisting that Becky follow the rules that her doctor suggested because he knows best. Is it because you are scared for her and just want her to heal and you think it’s the best choice for that?
Careless:
Your driving is so careless.
You are so careless when you come home at night and throw your things all over.
NVC REWRITE:
It’s so difficult for me to understand how you continue to leave your clothes on the floor when we’ve made an agreement that you would put them on the chair. I’d like to have another conversation with you about it.
Again, the point of this writing is to help you understand the difference between what you can notice (a fact, or observation) and an assessment of the facts. It can be elusive, for example: short hair, or long hair, rather than I notice that your hair is to your shoulders. Someone might have chemotherapy and their hair is just growing in. Perhaps it is ½” or 1” long. When the month prior, they had no hair. They might be celebrating how long their hair is, while you are remembering their shoulder length hair from a year ago, including your assessment of the length. Ultimately this robs you of a true connection, without your friend having to share a story that they might rather not.
Fresh and clean? Maybe, maybe not. Let’s leave it at that.