Use Your Words

We say this to kids a bunch, don’t we?

I’m not sure it's the best advice.

I’m thinking the kids are onto something more accurate.  

I have learned over the years that using words has its challenges when it comes to communicating clearly with other people.  I lead an exercise in my classes about our personal filters.   You can try it at home.  The exercise highlights that our internal filters determine what words mean to us.  I ask all the participants to imagine the same word (like tree or mother or community). We take turns saying what we saw in our head when we heard the word.  If we have 25 people in the room, there are 25 different interpretations of the word —literally. The learning is, that while we might agree that we like trees, what we are imagining when we say the word tree could be wildly different.  And sometimes we don’t know that we are imagining something different until later, when it comes up in some other way. Taking it one step further…if I say the word mother, not only are the imaginings different, how people feel when they imagine it is also quite varied.  Some people feel warm and nurtured.  Others feel aggravated and sad.  Conclusion:  words are often at the root of our misunderstandings.

Why do we ask our kids to use their words?  Do we think we must become zen masters at listening to our kids when their emotions are high?  Is it because we are uncomfortable?  Are they being ‘too loud’, ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too something else’?  Is it because it requires ‘too much’ of our time listening to them?  We are so busy after all.  Is it so we can be relieved of our part of the communication?  Is it that we imagine it will slow us down too much?  

Having been with a few kids over the course of my life, I notice that if I put my attention on them when they are in my care, what they are communicating can be quite clear.  I can feel into the intensity of what is happening for them.  Staying present, and slowing down enough to acknowledge their feelings, I also discover that I can easily interpret why they are feeling the way they are.  Yes it does require presence.  Something that has become rare in relationships.  

How much of what we don’t like about kids’ communications (emotions) are a request for just that.  Presence?  Acknowledgement that they matter.  A plea to been seen for who they are.

It is the same with adults.  Part of what is required to really communicate is presence, calm, listening deeply, and care.  No words required. 

And when you do use words, remember that whoever you are talking to, or listening to, has a slightly (or vastly) different interpretation of every single word.  Take the time to ask one more question.

Slowing it down doesn’t take more time.

If you have a history of misunderstanding with someone, instead of (or at least in addition to) getting frustrated, how about you accept it as true and make a plan.  For example:  If you ask your roommate to pick up salt when they are at Trader Joe’s this week and they say ‘sure thing!”, maybe there is one more thing you can say to assure that your complete message is heard.  The 45-second time suck it takes to get clarity is well worth it.  Ask them if they realize that the particular salt that you want is the Himalayan Salt and that it is pink.  The brand you like is XX, and either if you are only wanting that brand, or if any other brand is also okay.  Possibly take a picture of the bottle you want and text it to them.  I timed myself reading these 3 sentences and it took less than 45 seconds actually.  Try it yourself.

Literally 45 seconds or less to communicate with specificity might avoid ½ hour of distress about not having the salt you want.  Not to mention the additional hour discussing with your roommate how they never listen.  And the additional, additional hour telling your best friend how your roommate is such an airhead.

Sure, people say things we don’t like.  And people do things we don’t appreciate very much.  Our best bet for real connection is listening for what’s behind what’s being said.  What are they trying to communicate?  Will you take the extra moment to ask one more question to find confidence that you are hearing them as they intend?  As you speak, become clear about what it is you want to communicate.  Are you taking that moment to ask one more question that will give you the confidence that your message has indeed been received?

How can you support yourself in hearing others with more care and curiosity?  How can you communicate your thoughts with the same thing in mind?

Do you find yourself insisting to someone that what they heard you say is incorrect?  “That isn’t what I said!”  And not only do you say it, for some reason you are mad about it.  Somehow it is their fault that the communication wasn’t received?  Is it that we live in a world where we are rushed, and prioritizing work, errands, and what-all-else?  We want good communication and connection and are surprised that in the 2 minutes when I gave you instructions in the car, or over text or when the other person was feeding the kids that there is confusion.  And we used words, which in-and-of-themselves often require clarification.

Slow your conversations down so they don’t take up as much time!