What Did You Expect?

This post is about expectations, filters, quantum physics and generally creating the life you want.  It is inspired by an interview I saw and then a tennis match I watched.  It is the succession of these two things that got my attention.  I know I refer to Rafa Nadal quite a bit, and this post is not about tennis.  They never are.

In the interview I watched, someone asked Rafa about how he turned around a match he was losing.  Rafa simply responded with the sentences, yes I wasn’t doing that well in the beginning, yet I know that there will be chances.  There are always chances in the match to change the outcome, so if I do my best, I will be ready for that.

It is a perspective, an expectation. 

I then watched a match where —as is often the case, Rafa was winning and his opponent was in distress.  It was striking to me that likely this player was not expecting to have his chances.  Instead he was focusing on how challenging it was.  He was looking pretty frustrated and aggravated.  The commentators remarked on the difference between the players during the changeover (when they sit down between games).  One thing about Rafa if you watch him, is that it is pretty difficult to tell what the score is by watching his demeanor.  He just plays each point.  Uh oh, I am losing my focus.  Back to  quantum physics.  

How often does Rafa win because he is prepared to?  How often do his opponents lose because they are prepared to?

And how does this relate to you?

Are you prepared to have the relationship you want?  Have you taken the steps to shift your thinking and your being and your skillset enough to create the dreams you have?

How many times have you had these kinds of thoughts?

“With my luck something bad will happen.”
“This won’t work out.”
“He (she/they/this situation” will never change.”
“I don’t deserve ….”

In recent years, I have uncovered some thoughts of my own that weren’t serving me which weren’t even this obvious.  Super-subtle ideas that were lurking under the surface of my awareness that impacted my capacity to enjoy life.  

I remember the exact moment when I realized it.  I noticed when the contractors didn’t show up when they said they would, I would be frustrated.  And when they did, I felt bad because they ‘had to work on my difficult project.’ I was unhappy both when they didn’t work and when they did.  Which certainly didn’t bode well for me having a happy day —ever.  

Dr. Joe Dispenza has written a few books —as have many others, about quantum physics and how our minds literally impact what we see, and how what we see impacts the ‘reality’ of any situation.  It’s both simple and complicated, I’ll leave it up to you to research further.  

Let’s explore this example: 

Do you think that the partner you have will never listen to you?  

It might be true.  Yet, this thought is very ‘energy poor’.  Meaning inside this context, you have nothing to do with your situation.  No options emerge to make a difference

You are stuck. 

What if the thought shifts to, “I wonder why my partner doesn’t seem to listen, or respond to the things I am saying?”  It may be true, you partner either never has, or now doesn’t listen to what you say in a way that you like.  However, there is so much possibility for something different to arise from this thought.  This thought is ‘energy rich’.  Once you have the answer(s) to this, you can identify sundry and diverse strategies to address the concerns you uncover.

In this case, you are now immersed in a sense of possibility, cooperation, connection and abundance.  

Possibly these strategies will result in your partner and you finding the connection and collaborative spirit you have been longing for.

If you discover that the reason your partner doesn’t listen is because they no longer care about you, (as sad or disappointed, frustrated as you might feel —and I encourage you to feel these feelings), you have the opportunity now to accept what is so and make an effective choice in how you relate, and who you relate to.  These decisions are based on accurate information about your situation and how they do and don’t meet your needs —for respect, care, partnership, cooperation, communication, as well as the other needs you are navigating (possibly security, belonging, safety). 

I’ll take it even one step further for you to explore in your relationships.   It is possible that because of how you think, you can actually cause the outcome…in more subtle ways than I suggested above.  

The question I think I ask the very most in couples coaching session is “How do you contribute to the situation you are in?”

Let’s say you meet someone.  The relationship is great.  They are honest and generous and funny.  You talk about everything!  Over time you find that this is becoming less and less the case.  Until you are in that awful situation I describe above.  My partner just doesn’t listen to me.  

Consider this.

Perhaps you have the idea that no one ever really hears you.  What very, very unconscious, (meaning unnoticeable) ways have you given your partner the message, that they shouldn’t listen to you?  Have you spoken to them when you knew they were busy doing other things?  Have you said things in a way that was very hard for them to hear?  Have you censored yourself —meaning not actually said the things that are important to you for a variety of reasons that aren’t true, yet you believe to be true?  [Watch my free video series, Why Don’t You Speak Up?]

In this case (and in all cases), we actually make our expectations come true.

This is the wisdom story behind the science of quantum physics.  It is why sports psychologists encourage their clients to visualize them winning.  It is why we have mindfulness practices.

It is an empowered place from which to relate to your life and the people in it.  

It requires dropping out of moralistic judgement and the shame/blame ways of thinking.  That loop of “I did it wrong.” doesn’t allow for the rich awakening that can occur when you realize the power you have and how you can instantly shift the quality of your relationships and your life.

Try it out.  When things happen in your life (both what you like and what you don’t), ask yourself:

What did I expect?