Another Day of Thanks

I was a gratitude skeptic.  I just didn’t get it --grateful for everything?  I don’t think so.  Until I did get it.  When I discovered that a gratitude practice wasn’t about pretending that I loved all the things that I didn’t, it was a profound transformation.  I read the Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address and it all became clear.  Since then, the true magic of weaving gratitude into my life became available to me.  I 100% believe that gratitude literally changes reality.  And there is plenty of science that explains it.  [Read Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work for more about that.]

Yet I’m writing this as support for your Thanksgiving joy.  It’s an interesting holiday.  It suggests that we take time to give thanks for the gifts in our lives.  However, it seems that the holiday has morphed into having a big meal --most often with family.  Being with family, while for some is a treat, fun and easy, for many is challenging.  Even more challenging these past few years when our political and social climate has become so polarized.

In my family dinners, we didn’t give thanks.  We simply ate.  I was blessed with people who enjoyed being together for the most part.  Unfortunately, my family has become smaller and smaller over the years with quite a few passing over.  I remember inviting us in years past to give thanks before the meal, or even after the meal, and it was met with eye rolls and dismissal.  I felt so disappointed and confused. Even before I super into gratitude. What was so difficult about saying yes to my request?

So many are not looking forward to the holiday for that reason.  Or what they are grateful for is that someone won’t be at the family dinner typically because of politics and who people voted for. 

Has your family lost capacity to talk about the weather, cleaning products, gardens, sports, favorite foods, what we have been doing for the past year, our jobs, bosses, colleagues, co-workers, pets, crazy house projects, weird neighbors?  Can we return to the usual “when are you going to have kids” when it’s none of their business distress?  Or, when are you going to lose that extra weight distress?  It seems almost nostalgic to think about these kinds of stressful holiday conversations.

When the holidays are filled with mixed emotions, here are some ideas about how to elevate the gratitude and appreciation for life, while at the same time acknowledging the challenges you face at this time and in life in general.  I’m not for pretending, I am for noticing all the things.

1.  To prepare yourself, maybe just before you walk in the door, you find ways to steep in gratitude.  One of my favorites is to listen to a chant called Thank You by Beautiful Chorus.  It’s 4 minutes exactly.  In those 4 minutes, I list (yes, I actually write them down) all the things I can see or think of that I’m grateful for.  Big and small.  Grateful that my fingernails grew in, grateful for the blankets on my bed, grateful for hairpins, grateful that my house is still standing, grateful for my friends, or one friend in particular.  Anything.  It’s only 4 minutes.

2.  Sometimes when I find myself challenged to be excited about life, or something in particular, when I finally get enough space to ask myself, ‘what else is true?” I might be able to find something about the situation that I’m grateful for.  A recent example is when I went to Whole Foods to return a coat (yes, I ordered from Amazon, augh), I got a parking ticket.  The ticket was for more than I was getting back for the coat.  Rough.  I was, and still am grateful that I have enough money to pay for the ticket.

3.  If you know you are going to be with people who rub you the wrong way, consider what else is also happening?  Are you happy to see any of the people at your dinner?  Are you grateful that you have received an invitation?  Maybe grateful that there are folks who care about you even though they don’t show it in the easiest ways, yet care none the less?  Are you grateful that you have enough food to eat so that you aren’t hungry?

4.  You might be longing to see those close to you have passed.  Certainly, that is true for me this year.  I’ve heard the line, don’t be sad about my loss, be happy that I was there. Of course, yes.  Yet there are times when I just want to show my father something here at the house, or eat broccoli rabe that Marie made for me.  Maybe even talk to my mom about the days when she was my favorite person on earth and remember our mornings together.  Or have a visit with my Dad and Marie, walk into their house, sit down, and have them both talk to me at the exact same time, different topics.  Those things are no longer possible.  This sadness and longing remains true.  Yet, in a way, resides as a gratitude for their lives and their care.  In that way I can frame my distress as a soft, deep gratitude.  It’s a widening (rather than a shift) in my perspective.

5.  Maybe this is the first year since someone’s passing and the emptiness you feel is big.  It takes up all the space.  Please allow that to be true, rather than pretend it isn’t.  Check in, what are your needs that arise around this loss?  Do you want to find support for you to speak about your loss?  Is that one person?  Is that a support circle?  Do you simply want to stay home and feel it?  Do you want to be invited somewhere and not expected to be all that pleasant?  Are you able to ask that people accept your emotions, rather than invite (or demand) in some way for you to feel differently, or not to wallow in your despair?  Are you able to find your freedom to feel what you feel without listening to the advice of others to do otherwise?

6.  Perhaps after the family meal, you will play games together.  Plan an activity where the conversation(s) will be pleasant, maybe even enjoyable.  If not everyone wants to play, then maybe a few of you gather somewhere and play.

7.  Consider the amount of time you think you will enjoy your visit, and hold yourself accountable for navigating it well.  Letting people (your host in particular) that you will be heading out at this time, so it will be less of a surprise to them, and even if they are pulling you energetically, you will have more capacity to leave anyway.

8.  If you think it will be less than enjoyable, consider why you are going?  What needs are you meeting by participating?  Prepare yourself well.  Since you know how it’s going to go, please don’t expect something different this year, leading to some sort of disappointment.  Perhaps, anticipating how it’s going to go will offer the possibility of being surprised that it wasn’t that bad.

9.  Perhaps you love to cook --and enjoy the foods of this holiday in particular.  Yet the diet you have chosen to support your health is all raw foods, so you long for the creativity that cooking a delicious meal brings into your life is elusive.  Hosting dinner brings the opportunity to catch up on cooking, and see loved ones.  Wait! --that’s me! (It could be you too?)

These are a simply a few of the ways you can weave gratitude into your Thanksgiving holiday.  If you have another, please leave it in the comments!  I’m quite curious for more, and the ways gratitude has served you this year.

As many of you know, I have transformed from a gratitude skeptic to a gratitude fanatic.  I write a love letter every day.  When offered a holiday specifically designated to give thanks, I’m all in!