Thank You for Saying No

When you ask someone to do something for you do you want them to say no?  

Unlikely.

Is someone saying no to you cause for celebration?

Absolutely!

How is it possible? 

A few ways.  Once you understand these, you will be able to celebrate the no.

1.  We tend to think that when some says no to a request we make, that our needs will not get met.  Truly, that would be upsetting.  Of course this isn’t true.  Most often, we have intertwined our strategy to meet a need —the request we make, with the need itself getting met.   

Let’s use this example to examine the hypothesis above:  

You had a particularly rough day.  Work was more than the usual challenging.  A few people called out and you had to step it up and do more than your fair share —once again without receiving the acknowledgement from your boss about how hard you worked.  On your way home, your father called to let you know that your mom’s health condition worsened and they are headed into the doctor’s office tomorrow.  When you arrive home, you see that the plant you love so much is on the floor with a whole bunch of dirt spread around.  Not sure how it got there, yet it could have been Fido the dog, or Fifi the cat.  Neither one is taking responsibility for the mess.  When you call your partner and invite them over to your place, they say no because they made other plans.  Which is strange because usually you spend Wednesday evenings together.  You ask your partner to come over anyway because you had an unbelievably bad day and they decline.

Celebrating the no yet? 

Let’s take a minute to explore why you think it is so important for them to come over.  What is it that you are hoping for?  Meaning, what are the needs that you think will be met.  I’m going to guess these:  companionship, empathy, care, connection, partnership, support.

Yes, it would be lovely if your partner was coming over, wanted to listen to how hard your day was, acknowledge your distress, give you a nice hug and maybe bring some levity and/or liveliness to your evening.  If they were into it, it would be a strategy to meet those needs.  Yet, you discover they would rather do something else.

I imagine if you are upset —possibly even angry that they made other plans and don’t want to change them, you are thinking that there is no other way for your needs to get met?  So underneath the anger is fear, sadness, maybe even despair (depending on the level of your disappointment).  

In this moment it would be super helpful to you (and your relationship) if you could disentangle your partner being at your place tonight as a strategy to meet your needs from the needs themselves.  Especially if you are thinking it is the onlystrategy.

Let’s take a breath and consider what are some other ways you can meet the needs of companionship, empathy, care, connection, partnership, and support tonight?

Here’s a quick list:

1.  Invite your best friend over for dinner and conversation.
2.  Go out and meet a friend or two —they already had plans, and would be happy to have you join them.
3.  Ask your partner if you could join them wherever they are going.
4.  Go out to the potluck you heard about in the neighborhood —an informal gathering.
5.  Visit your mom and dad, checking in on your mom’s condition.
6.  Ask your partner if they will give you a call either before their planned activities begin or after they end.  You would love to talk on the phone even if they don't want to come over.

I came up with six.  It took me about 6 minutes to think of them —including typing.  

While it seems to you like it ‘should’ be your partner’s job to support you, thinking like this puts pressure both on you and your partner to do only this one thing, leading to resentment on both sides.  If they change their plans because you are mad, they will begin to resent you.  If they keep saying no, and you are not creative enough to get your needs met anyway, you will resent them.  There is a big difference between wanting them to do something with you, and thinking that they should, or they are obligated to for some reason.

Give this a try for a few weeks.  Make extensive lists of how you can get your needs met (other than the one way you really, really want.)  If you are still struggling, consult #2 below.

2.  If they say no, it means they don’t care about me.  Marshall Rosenberg, PhD spoke about the idea of two requests. Within every request there are really two things going on. One is the specific strategy the person is asking for. The second thing embedded in the request is some re-assurance that they matter. 

Human beings are pack animals, so we are wired with a need to know we matter to those we care about.  It is more than a romantic idea; our safety is linked to it.  We biochemically respond to the idea that we don’t matter to our pack as if our life depends on it.  It is part of our evolutionary burden.  It used to be true.  And now, in most ways it is no longer true.  Most of us can survive on our own —or at very least without this one person who is saying no to us.  Our job is to remember this.  When we hear a no to a request—because of the embedded idea that if they say no we don’t matter, and if we don’t matter, we are not safe we are immediately in distress.  We must to remind ourselves, over and over, that this is not true!

The remedy here is to slow your thinking down.  Take a breath when you hear no.  Take a moment to consider what’s really at stake.  Bring your attention to the present moment.  What are the actual needs that will be met by hearing a yes?  Connect to these things rather than your safety.  In this case, you might want to consider if your needs to matter are being met inside the relationship (in other ways).  If you can connect to that yes, you will feel some relief in the moment, while supporting the process of re-wiring your neural pathways to respond in the present.  Next time you hear a no, it will be easier to remember that you are indeed safe and find the calm and creativity to do the steps in #1 above, find other strategies to meet your needs.  

Important note about the need to matter.  We very often conflate this need to a strategy like discussed in point #1 as well.  The thought that you need to matter to a particular person, is a strategy.  Certainly it is delightful when we do, and important to know if we don’t.   If I don't matter to you, I will still be able to get my needs to matter met.  This one is difficult for some to really wrap their head around.  Filled with shoulds, and hopes, and magical thinking, people hold on to relationships where they don’t matter ‘enough’ and continuously struggle.  Literally for years.

3.  Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a now wildly famous book called The Four Agreements.  Perhaps you have heard of it?  The second of the four agreements is Don’t Take it Personally.  This aligns with hearing a no.  And finding the capacity to celebrate another’s no to our requests.  When someone says no to you, rather than only thinking about the idea that they are saying no to you and, bring to mind a curiosity about what they are saying yes to.  If they don’t want to do what you asked, are you interested in hearing why?  What’s important to them?  Asking someone what’s alive in them that they prefer to do something else brings you connection, mutual understanding and a possibility of negotiating strategies that will meet everyone’s needs.  

Sometimes we forget that our relationships really thrive when everyone’s need matter equally.  As mentioned in #2, if I get my needs met at the cost of yours being met, then resentment will build.  It is when (as a coach) I hear the word manipulation.  Which means that someone said yes, when they meant no, or to avoid a fight, or to keep the peace, ultimately they weren’t aware of their own needs they were meeting by doing that particular thing.  Likely you are blaming them for how you feel.  If you find yourself resentful often or you relate to people who seem resentful, then checking in about what needs are being met by making agreements or saying yes to particular requests will remedy that.

Where does the celebration come in?

When a person says no to you, even if they aren’t able to articulate what need of theirs they are trying to meet, they are letting you know that they have one (or more).  The more you can steep in the energy of all of our needs matter equally, then knowing this information gives you the opportunity to negotiate.  It gives you an opportunity to let your people know that you care about their needs equal to your own. When you and the people who are important to you all trust this, then relationships are delightful.  The pulling for getting your way, or someone getting mad at you for you honoring your limits goes away.  Trust and mutual care build.

This is reason to celebrate.