Let's Play a Game
The name of this game is how many strategies can we come up with to meet the needs of all involved.
The winner of this game is you and all of the folks you have relationships with.
One of the most challenging parts of diving into relationships that feel good and serve all is shifting from arguing about the ‘thing you want’, to what needs will be getting met by the ‘thing you want’. The thing you want is what you are asking for.
Said another way using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) language, ‘the thing you want’ is a strategy. Most people latch on to the thing they are asking for as the only way that their needs might get met. To be honest, most people aren’t even considering the actual need(s) at all. It is a new concept and often difficult to understand.
What’s the difference between a need and a strategy to meet the need?
A need is universal to all humans. It is an abstract noun. Not connected with anything or anyone as it just exists as an experience. Take a look at a list of needs here --maybe not complete, yet comprehensive. We often talk about how needs are common to us all. That we share the same needs, at times some are feeling more important that others.
A strategy (or the thing you are asking for) is a way you are guessing something will meet that need. For example: I have a need for companionship. One strategy that might meet that need is for you to come to the coffee shop and chat it up with me this morning.
Here’s another example: You are asking your partner to help you lift a painting and hang it on the wall of your home. This is a strategy. I can guess at a wide variety of needs that would be met if they say yes: support, shared reality, to matter, cooperation, partnership, beauty.
What if they say no?
Although likely unaware, you might be making their no mean that you don’t matter, and/or that they aren’t a good partner, and/or that they don’t care about you, and/or that they are selfish. [Have you ever had the thought, “If you cared about me, you would help me.”] In addition to those thoughts, you might be thinking you can’t get the picture on the wall. Your home will never be as you like it. Add more distress because friends are coming over tomorrow night and you really wanted the painting up so your house looks just so. [what are the needs behind this thought?] You might also be thinking things like you always ‘have to’ do it on your own. It just isn’t a pretty story.
Nor is it true.
How could this one question, “Will you help me hang a painting on the wall?” be transformed into a connecting experience –even when you receive a no to your request?
We play the game!
How many strategies can you come up with that might meet your own needs, as well as the needs of your partner?
1. Identify the needs. Same as list above –can you guess additional ones? support, shared reality, to matter, cooperation, partnership, beauty.
2. Make a long list of strategies to meet the needs. Which, of course, includes the example request listed.
Here’s my list so far:
1. Ask your partner to help you hang the painting tonight.
2. Ask a neighbor to come over and help you.
3. Ask a friend to come for tea and help you.
4. Task Rabbit --pay for someone to help you.
5. Use a chair to support the painting while marking and putting the hooks on the wall, so you can lift it on your own.
6. Offer a few more times your partner can help you that falls in line with the company coming over.
7. Ask your partner why they said no, and inquire if there is a way they can easily shift whatever is in the way of the yes you were hoping for.
If you begin with #7, you might discover something important. You will discover why they said no. This is an opportunity to pivot the conversation.
At this point, you get dive into the needs behind your partner’s no. Perhaps they don’t like the painting and prefer not to have it up in the space (cooperation, beauty, shared reality, partnership and consideration might be the needs). Perhaps it is simply because they already have plans to play soccer in the league that evening (freedom, autonomy, friendship, vibrant health, and play might be the needs).
This is when you get extra points in the game and you are likely to win!
In the context of Nonviolent Communication there is an explicit agreement that you care about the others’ needs being met equal to your own. It requires you inviting that information into the conversation so you can negotiate what plan (strategy) works best to meet them all.
Now you are able to have a significantly different conversation than what might have happened. Rather than arguing who matters more, and how selfish they are, you can dive into some solutions.
And you have a list of 6 options that you can weave into the conversation with your partner, offering them a bit of respite—freedom from the demand that they must be the one that helps you and that it must be tonight. If they opt out of doing this particular thing, they are dumped into the category of selfish and uncaring –neither of which are true for them.
The game of how many ways can we meet our needs is essential for a happy life. Embrace creativity to make your list as long as possible. Through the lens of abundance, meaning thinking about how many different options you can offer the people you care about to contribute to your life, everyone wins the game. Which is a life and relationships where all your needs are met!