Happy Holiday How To

There are some lucky folks who just adore the holiday season.  It reminds them of their childhoods filled with laughter and family.  Perhaps they have created rituals of their own, or are carrying on family traditions that are filled with meaning.  A time of giving and receiving, and being surrounded by loved ones.

Then there are the rest of us.

We struggle in some way.

Perhaps you fall into one of these categories?
~You go to the family event(s) even though you rarely have fun.  You aren’t sure how to get out of it.  You tell yourself that your mom will just be so disappointed, it’s just easier to go. Which builds resentment, making it even less likely that you will enjoy the time you just agreed to.
~You have very little family left, or they are far away and you have nowhere that you feel truly welcome. 
~Perhaps this year is the first year since a dear family member passed away and rather than feeling joyous, you are feeling lonely and sadness that you haven’t experienced before.
~You like your family, feel close yet being with them for longer periods of time presents all kinds of issues when you gather together.  They don’t share your values, and talk about things you have no interest in talking about (for more than10 minutes).  Or even more challenging in these times, don’t even want to know about.

Your situation might be different, or some version of one of these. 

Let’s do a little strategic planning so that you can, at very least, find confidence in the choice(s) you make this year.  Even better, have some actual meaning and celebration in the events that you choose to take part in.

1.     You are expected to attend your family events and haven’t found a way to opt out that feels good to you.

How about talking to the organizer of your events (dinners) way ahead of time (months), letting them know that this year you are planning something different.  This helps you in a variety of ways.  One is to give your loved one plenty of time to feel their feelings and possibly even accept your choice.  Especially if you negotiate what might work for all parties involved --rather than just dropping an emotional ‘bomb’.  In the Nonviolent Communication world, we suggest that everyone’s needs matter equally.  Prepare ahead of time how you might best acknowledge how distressed the person feels hearing your choice.  If you remember that you truly aren’t the cause of their distress (no matter how much they will tell you differently), then you more easily be able to hold a space for them (offer empathy).

Let them be upset. 

Before you defend your position or give in, just listen to them.  Perhaps even offer empathy.  Which will sound something like this.  “I know it’s important to you have your family around you, and you are really disappointed that I have chosen something else for the holidays this year.”  You might then add that you care.  “It was difficult for me to make this choice because I it matters so much to me that you enjoy this time.  I am hoping that you can support me in  my choice because here’s what’s important to me.”  Then list the needs you anticipate meeting.  They may or may not be able to let you know that they care.  It might be as good as it gets for now.  The benefit of planning ahead, is that it allows you to check in a few times, reminding them that you care (if you actually do), so by the holidays they will be very used to your absence.

Another option is to opt in for dessert, or if they have many celebrations, choose one to participate in.  Basically negotiating a plan that best meets the needs of everyone.  This is very different than agreeing to something you don’t want to do –especially without understanding the needs met by doing so.

Going anyway, even though you think it won’t be fun isn’t particularly wrong as long as you can identify the needs met by going.  Rather than going due to obligation.  You might think it is semantics, and it isn’t.  It is the difference between saying yes to something and blaming the other person, and choosing to do something freely.

Whatever you choose to do, please understand the needs of your own you are attempting to meet and guess the needs of the person (people) you are navigating the holidays with.  Dropping into this conversation is much more satisfying that arguing about what you will and won’t do (strategies).

2.      You have very little family left, or they are far away and you have nowhere that you feel truly welcome. 

Begin your own tradition. 

Years and years ago, I began a Christmas Day brunch for the very few people (at the time mostly Jewish friends), who had nothing much to do that day, as a way to get together.  We would have a brunch and then go to the movies.  Then possibly end the day in Chinatown for dinner.  In the 30 years I have been doing this, the world changed.  Lots of people wanted to come.  They had families that were distant, or wanted to gather with friends before heading to their families for dinner.  The movies are way too crowded to even get into.  Instead we did a White Elephant gift giving and generally spent the whole day together.  The point of this story is I made my own tradition.  I would see maybe 2-3 people before it transformed.

What has meaning to you?  What would you like to do?  Risk asking a few people to join you.  Sometimes we believe the thoughts we have in our head (no one will come) which lead us to not even try.  If no one says yes, you won’t be more alone, you will be equally alone.  Our thoughts make so our needs won’t be met.  In this case, belonging and connection.

Here’s another option.  Perhaps you can plan ahead to see a friend or family member who has moved away.  They might enjoy the company as well.   If resources is the concern, you can do a GoFundMe or save money –if you plan far enough ahead.  Or even the person who moved away might contribute to your travel expenses. 

Maybe you take this time to travel.  Is there some kind of destination retreat that you could immerse yourself in?  I know airfare is less when you travel on the actual holidays.

The obvious suggestion is to volunteer your time.  Kitchens giving food to people who are struggling to eat every day, let alone on the holiday.

3.     Perhaps this year is the first year since a dear family member passed away and rather than feeling joyous, you are feeling lonely and a depth of sadness that you haven’t experienced before.

Luckily enough there are more and more groups organizing events and support around grief.  I encourage you to participate.  We have a ‘be happy’ culture and steeping into our grief and loneliness is something that in the past has been ignored.  No longer.  These grief ceremonies or circles are a way to find connection during a time of year when ‘everyone else’ is telling you to be happy. 

Also, speak up.  Let your friends know.  Most people just get caught up in the usual banter of the holiday season.  My experience is that people generally don’t speak up, yet they share a similar story.  Remember if it is difficult for you to say something, you are likely not the only one.  Or at very least want to know yours.  They have plenty of time and care to hear your story.  True friends will want you at their events even if you are sad and don’t want to laugh a lot.  They will want you –just as you are, in their homes and at their tables.

4.     You like your family, feel close yet being with them for longer periods of time presents all kinds of communication issues.  They don’t share your values, and talk about things you have no interest in talking about (for more than10 minutes).

Prepare! 

What is it that you would like to talk about that might not be ‘too much’ for your family dinners.  Maybe steer away from politics, yet is there something you did this year that you want to talk about?  Possibly you traveled somewhere new, or had success in your job, enjoyed a garden project, something new happened in your neighborhood or in your volunteering group? Did you start a new hobby?  When you get to your dinner or event, let them know you want to celebrate with them.  “I did something fun (important) this year.  I’d love to tell you about it!”

Ask ahead to bring a friend so that you can have someone by you that you will enjoy talking to.  It might also help you to have a shared reality on the drive home.  Often we don’t want to subject our friends to the quirkiness of our family.  Remember that they aren’t as triggered as you are by what is happening.  It could just be fun or funny to them.

If you are a connection fanatic like me, perhaps you will buy a set of cards that has relational questions.  Nothing to personal, yet more interesting than small talk?  My experience is that sometimes it is weird, yet they are willing to go along with it, at least for 20 minutes or so. 

These are just a few suggestions to get you started in finding your choice in enjoying your holidays.

What I am hoping you will take away from this is that it really is up to you.  There are, kind and caring, yet honest ways for you to take your power back in these significant holiday struggles.  It doesn’t have to be a fight.  While it might be awkward this year, think of all the years to come that you have set yourself up for more meaningful and enjoyable holidays. 

If I haven’t mentioned something that you struggle with, please let me know in the comments.  I’ll help you think it through.