Is No a Complete Sentence?

Yes.  And more importantly no.

I understand why this idea, no is a complete sentence may have become a meme recently.  It’s about autonomy and choice.  Not having to ask permission to choose what you might do, in any given moment.  And if you prefer not to do what is being asked of you, you just get to say no --even if (or especially when) when the other person gets upset at your choice.  You are a no without further explanation required.  It frees us up from obligation and living in the realm of ‘shoulds’ that have taken up residence in our mental space. 

I’m all about the freedom to say no to any request.  I’m all about not defending that choice.  That is not what I’m suggesting. 

I’m offering another option. 

Complete freedom to choose, without feeling obligated or resigned or defensive.  In order to do that well, it is much easier when we remember that we are not responsible for meeting others’ needs, we just get to.  This brings us to answering the question (before we respond) “why would I want to?” Given that one of our deepest needs is to contribute, some people (including myself) consider it a gift when someone makes a request of us.  When someone makes a request of us, it is an opportunity to meet that deep need of our own.  When we just say no and nothing more, it is a loss to us given our human nature.   

The loss with this obligatory way of relating is the opportunity to share more of who you are, and to be truly to be seen in addition to having the opportunity to meet your need for contribution.  Without obligation, we are truly free to experience freedom in why and how we make agreements with each other.

This is one of the more subtle gifts of the work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).  If we are able to remember this and remove the burden of other’s happiness from our shoulders then our choices, our responses to their requests become opportunities for more intimacy, more honesty, more capacity to be seen and heard and more of the ever so elusive connection we long for.  A salve for the recent epidemic of loneliness.

This is much easier when the requester, as well, remembers the difference between a request and a demand, yet your freedom is not dependent on them.  This is where the conversation can get a bit murky.  Challenging for some.  They truly think they are making a request, yet fully expect (more than hope) that the answer to their request will be a yes which is a demand rather than an actual request.  Listening to all the reasons your no is ‘ruining their life’ is quite unpleasant.  Even when they are insisting that their request is/was reasonable, what they would do, and somehow your obligation to agree to, they don’t have the capacity to hear their demand, let alone notice that they are forgetting to weave your needs into the conversation, even when it is being pointed out.  It remains in the shadows.  However, them remembering is not required for you to find your freedom to choose your response.  That’s one of the many ways we fall into the rabbit hole of lost opportunities to get to know what’s important to the other person.  If someone is disappointed in your response, one choice you have is to sit in empathy about what is the cause of their distress –remembering that it really isn’t your response no matter how much they (and possibly you) are locked into believing that it is.

When you acknowledge that what they are hoping for is important to you as well, even if you are not particularly interested or able to do what they are asking you for. Their need to matter and be seen is met.  This simple gesture of empathy might generate the calm and curiosity required for negotiating strategies.  Why?  Because embedded in every request is an implicit request to know I matter.  When this question is answered, you get to explore a variety of ways their additional needs will get met without any obligation on your part.  Remembering that empathy, and caring about another is not the same as agreement, and often, simply acknowledging their disappointment, or hopes, or that they matter to us, is enough to shift an entire conversation.  When their needs for connection are met through this acknowledgment, then they are able to let their stronghold go on the strategy they have chosen as asked for.

What is there to do when the person asking for something, simply isn’t interested in your needs being met as well?  When truly they are locked into you saying yes to their strategy as being the only way they will be happy?  I still think there is something different than just saying no.  You can simply add in to the conversation your own feelings of disappointment that they aren’t able to care about you in ways that feel good to you.  It can be difficult if they (or you) aren’t able to distinguish needs from strategies to meet them.  As always, this skill is essential for the development of truly satisfying, fun relationships that flourish. 

Of course, no means no.  Just not always the best first choice when wanting to create relationships filled with intimacy and connection that we enjoy.  Knowing full well that you aren’t required to defend or explain, you do have the option, when you find your confidence in navigating your needs of autonomy and freedom to do want you want in your life, to try on finding connection first.