Apartnerships

In our NVC Practice Group last night one of the participants shared a term that he heard which was something new for him.  When he said it, it immediately captured my attention.  Why?  Because for the past 25 years I’ve had an a-partnership!  Successfully.  Meaning my partner and I don’t live together.  We live about 600 miles apart.  Some people classify this as a long distance relationship.  Whether it is long distance, or just enough space, the unique-ness of our living situation asked of us to make agreements with each other.  Agreements, which in my opinion would serve couples who live closer than we do, even as close as in the same home.

Apartnerships are apparently becoming a thing that more folks are considering.  I actually don’t know for who and how popular it is, yet exploring intentionally how partners will live together is something that doesn’t happen enough whether people are choosing to share a home, or opting to maintain more than one homestead.

Something I have noticed pretty consistently amongst couple clients (and friends, some who are simply in roommate situations) is that they haven’t made very many agreements about how they intend to live ‘together’.  Is it because we just have assumptions?  Simple things, like are we going to eat meals together?  Which ones?  What time?  Who cooks, who cleans?  Are we going to share a bedroom?  Every night?  Do we go to sleep at the same time?  Who is responsible for child care?  How do we share money?  How do we share household responsibilities?  How do we want to keep common spaces?  How do we intend to resolve conflict?  Yes, you are going to have conflict (even simple disagreements) so how about creating your system of addressing this at the beginning, rather than walking on eggshells because you either think it will be considered confrontational, or negatively impact the quality of your connection.  People choose not to speak up and then begin to resent the other person for continuing to do things they don’t appreciate.  These are the kinds of questions to be answered on the regular.  Navigating life together basically is a series of agreements made, either implicitly or explicitly.  Developing the habit of checking in for agreement, or impact of the choices you want to make, will go a long way toward creating relationships that are easy.

Do you expect your partner to ‘just know’ what you want or what you are thinking? 

In addition to the agreements listed above, they are just a few of the so many more agreements that I would suggest. 

Steve and I made short term agreements, over and over in the beginning of our relationship because we chose an unconventional living arrangement.  Our apartnership almost required that we make explicit agreements.  I remember in the beginning, the assumptions people had of what we were doing, without asking because we chose to live apart --far apart.

Here’s a reminder:  Where you live and who you live with, in general, and in this context, in relationship with another person, is a strategy —a strategy to meet a need (or likely many needs).  Have you considered what those needs are that you hope to satisfy by living together --or apart, or something in between? 

When we met, I was still building a practice in Philadelphia that I wanted to keep.  It required my presence (way before zoom) and it was bodywork. My needs were security, belonging —as my family was here, friendship (my friends were here) among others.  Steve was/is part of a community that he wanted to help develop and had no intention of leaving.  His needs were community, belonging, nature, to name just a few.

What agreements were we making back then?  How often do we talk, how often do we see each other, are we monogamous, who travels where and when, who pays for the travel, what is our life like when we are together --meaning do we visit other people, or stay mostly to ourselves to maximize our together time.  Twenty-five + years later, making new agreements is easy, because we have been doing it for so long, and some things, at this point, we just know.

Some of these apply to people who live together, or nearby to each other.  We didn’t have kids, so weaving all those decisions --which are so, so many, didn’t apply in our relationship. Do they in yours?

Do you find yourself avoiding bringing certain things up?  Do you know what needs are met by remaining silent?  Is there a cost to remaining silent?  Are you confident in being fully seen, and fully self-expressed in your relationship(s)?  If not, are you certain that your choice serves you, and your relationship?  Do you have the communication (NVC) skills that will support you in inviting dialogue rather than bringing distress into the conversation?

You might have more experience with apartnerships that you think.  After all, aren’t most of your friendships apartnerships?  There likely aren’t as many agreements, yet surely there are some.  Explicit agreements as well as implicit agreements.  And, it might be wise to make more agreements especially if you find yourself confused or disappointed in some of your friendships.

While this post is entitled Apartnerships, truly what I am hoping to communicate is the importance of making agreements (short term and more ongoing) about how you are planning to be with another person so that all involved will be happy in the relationship.