Do I Matter?
One of the reasons I like studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) over and over again is that there are little gems the work offers the possibility to dive deeper and deeper into what Marshall intended us to know. This ongoing study helps me find not only more connection with others, but NVC invites me to explore my own tenderness, and the tenderness of others. I guess that’s why it has the nickname Compassionate Communication.
A few years ago, a colleague I was teaching with brought up in our planning session something I hadn’t heard before. She told me that Marshall suggested that implicit in all requests was wanting to know if we matter. Deep stuff. Her sharing that turned on a lightbulb for me. A new perspective to hold dear while relating to my friends, family, partner and everyone, really.
Knowing this shifted how I received requests. Not only did I want to consider the needs met of those making requests of me, I also held that they also wanted of bit of assurance that they matter. Important. Understanding this invited me into a new consideration and a more nuanced response when requests are made of me. Now, in addition to considering my response to the direct request, simultaneously weaving in a thoughtfulness of how I might like to share with the person just how much they matter to me –or simply matter at all if I don’t know them well. This is important to me for a few reasons. One is so they can have their concern (even if they aren’t quite aware of it) acknowledged. Once that connection is made, we might more easily create a container where there is more calm in our conversation so any negotiating of the direct request will be more pleasant.
While this does offer us more capacity to look for the tenderness --the humanness in the ones we relate with, perhaps this understanding offers us a bit of compassion for ourselves as well. I’ve heard so often about the kneejerk reaction people experience when something is said or done that they don’t like. They find themselves immediately in their flight/flight/freeze response with little or no time to interrupt it. I’m often asked, “How can I do this in real time?” I believe that we are all chronically in deficit of many of the needs that our baseline of ‘safety’ and calm is difficult to maintain. It is a real struggle, especially if/when the other’s trauma response is the exactly thing you might have a trauma response to. While it is difficult to maintain calm alert, the reason why is out of awareness, hidden in the shadows. The more we can remember that we are wondering if we matter a good part of each day, and especially in the relationships that are important to us, the more we can interrupt our ‘super’ instant, super strong reactions to things other people say and do.
NVC invites us to care about each other’s needs being met equally. Perhaps starting with this one will serve you well as you continue to deepen your practice. It allows you to remember that our responses to situations, or requests isn’t necessarily logical. You can immediately ask the question “What’s happening here? What’s alive in the space between us?” This can serve as an immediate interrupt of what you want to say next, without having to remember or consider anything too complex. If you are having strong emotions to someone’s response to your request (desire) and their strong emotions to something you said or did, simply pause and offer an acknowledgement that they want to matter, and the same is true for you.
As a way to practice this, perhaps try remembering this for the next week. Slow your conversations down a bit. Remember that you and the other person are tracking on if you matter, in addition to anything else in the conversation. Even if you aren’t sure how to respond to a request, you can acknowledge how important they are to you, which could give them (and you) just enough calm and assurance to shift the energy of the rest of the conversation.