Are You Looking for a Situationship?
While it might not seem like something you are going for, or doesn’t have the flavor of romance and significance that you might be dreaming of, let’s take a look at how I think it is exactly what dream relationships are built on.
Last week I was working with a long-time client who is very dear to me. Quite frankly, I’m not sure who helps who more. She was telling me a story about a friend of hers. While not exactly remembering the story, her friend referred to her relationship as a situationship --rather than a partnership. Instantly, a blog was born. I was so inspired by the word --which I hadn’t heard before, I just had to write about it. I think situationship more accurately describes how to navigate a healthy relationship.
It might not offer the romantic idea we have of partnership, (who is going to yell “hey friends, I’m in a situationship?”) yet if you follow this to the end, maybe you will have changed your mind.
When we use the word partnership, it means so many different things to so many that truthfully, left unexplored can lead us into hidden expectations and assumptions. Things like: Do we eat together--every night? Do we share our money? Do we share our home? Do we go to sleep at the same time? Who does what chores? What will you be doing while I meditate in the morning? And so, so many more. Essentially, everything we want to do --daily, weekly, monthly and for our lives.
The idea of a situationship in my mind at least, is an opportunity for all the people involved to ask for what they want as it comes up. Short term agreements. A situationship is steeped in self-responsibility, advocating for your needs and authentic relating by asking for what you want and agreeing to what you want to do and no more. Negotiating life together with others completely openly and out loud, free from obligation and shoulds. This describes true partnership to me, yet I see far too often that this kind of relating rarely exists. People are so excited about finding partnership that honest relating in a container of care and curiosity goes out the window. Instead, you find yourself walking on eggshells because of vague or implicit assumptions --naturally resulting in becoming resigned and disappointed, simply because you haven’t agreed to anything specific. You each moved forward in the dream of what partnership means without checking it out (over and over) with your partner. Of course, this doesn’t only apply to partnerships or potential partnership. It is a way of life.
Another reason this word, situationship resonates is because life has such ebbs and flows. All kinds of situations pop up randomly. Responsibilities and commitments shift with time as life shows up. If you aren’t in the habit of making requests and agreements --responding as a couple to situations, then shifting together what your agreements are is burdensome. Once again, you can become confused about who shows up for what and for how long because you haven’t talked it through sufficiently. An example might be that your mother fell ill and now needs a good deal of help in her house. You decide to drive out to her house twice a week. You anticipate that your partner will understand, and maybe they do for a few weeks. Yet this is lasting longer than either of you expected and your partner feels lonely, confused and disheartened because you aren’t spending the kind of time with them you used to. You simply assume that your partner will understand how hard it is for you to see your mom’s decline, and the pressure you have to care for her. Because your partner is overcome by their own disappointment and annoyance that now you hesitate to even talk about it at all. Your partner’s frustration continues to grow yet they aren’t going to say anything because they shouldn’t. Your mom is sick and everything. The disconnection only builds, simply because agreements haven’t been made about how to navigate your mom’s care and your partner’s needs. This is a situation.
Situations like this (some bigger, some smaller) arise moment by moment in most people’s lives and impact partnerships. Things like: Who makes the bed? What do we do if you never want to and I like it made every day? Do we watch TV when we are in bed together? Who pays the bills? Which ones? Do we share money? Bank accounts? Who cooks? How do we manage the household chores? When do you check in with each other about these agreements? Monthly? What if one of you wants to change an agreement? Can we easily make powerful exceptions?
The idea that you can ask each other for the support and care you are hoping for as situations present themselves to me is the foundation for a fabulously supportive and intimate partnership. Of course, what I am suggesting assumes making agreements without obligation or shoulds in the mix of how you negotiate. A true situationship is built on trust that everyone’s needs will be met because you are confident in the care you share and the habit of negotiating with each other well.
Truly all relationships of any kind are situationships. It is a way to consider all the agreements you make, even if they are tiny. How you treat the checkout person in your market. When someone asks you to be on hold on the phone, or when a client asks for a discount on a class, or when you are asked to contribute to a neighborhood project. All of these are situations (opportunities to make agreements) and good practice for the more long-term relationships you have --with parents and colleagues and kids and life partners.
As many of you know, I adore my partner Steve and the relationship we have created over the years. We are in true partnership, meaning we support each other in ways that feel good to us both and we plan to be together ‘forever’. I (and I believe he) know, that whatever comes up for one will be navigated with care by us both. This trust between us has blossomed because it sits on a foundation of true situationship. Navigating agreements together as life asks us to shift and change. We do this with respect and care for one another.
How romantic is that?!