Why Can't We Be Friends?

Have you noticed that relationships, friendships and even family connections have changed in recent years?  What I am referring to is the variety of othering that seems so prevalent in a way that wasn’t before.  There are break ups in families, and break ups in friendships, and break ups in partnerships as well.  Now I hear, “if you like this person or think that thing, you don’t care about me and we are over.  I have not (thankfully) had that directed at me in particular, yet on social media between friends, or just general statements.  And in coaching sessions, or with friends, it has happened to them.  Or they are the ones that end important or life-long friendships, even familial relationships (parents, siblings and the like).

I wonder how it seems so easy for people to drop each other?  Maybe it is my age, growing up in a different time.  Maybe it is because I am ‘a bonder’ and I tend to have friendships that last forever.  I’m old enough I remember when the people I was talking with was either on the phone or in person.  No other option.  Is the social distance we now have making it easy to off other people because they disagree with us?   Or is it that we have forgotten how to invite dialogue with our people?  Have we lost our capacity to be curious about what’s important to the other person?

Can you be friends with someone who has a different point of view?  Even wildly different point of view than you?

The question above relates to another revealing I hear often from people, which is that they are lonely.  Lonely in a meta-way.  Feeling lost, disconnected, maybe even melancholy.  It seems that many of us have lost our way.  I hear the word transition, yet not particularly focused on anything --rather people just say transition while unable to identify transitioning from what to what.

These feelings I believe are quite related.  My hope is that we take a deeper look and exploration into these.

I wonder if what’s happening is that we are more connected with strategies (I don’t want to be friends with you) than we are with our needs (friendship, care, to matter, belonging, likely safety is at play as well).  Because of this, as happens pretty regularly when we aren’t present to our needs, is that our strategies are tragic, because our choice of what to do (leave the relationship) takes us even further away from having our connection needs met.  At the same time, we are forgetting to care about the other person’s needs completely --another way we miss finding more of the connection and care we long for.

Perhaps when you are so upset with someone, rather than finding fault with their choice and being in reaction to what they are saying and doing, take a breath and pause.  In that moment bring your attention inward to consider what the needs are that are stimulating the strong feelings that are present.  Taking the time to be fully present with what’s truly going on, and the needs that are so important might offer you options that you just can’t think of when in fight/flight stress patterns.

Is it possible that your relationships can remain in tact?  Do you have options other than removing the other person from your life?  My guess is yes.  Depending on who the person is, opting out of any kind of relationship might just be your best choice.  If that isn’t true and the cost of losing that person is high, are there other choices you might offer or make to stay in connection even though there are things you disagree about?

Will you invite more dialogue into the relationship? 

1.  Perhaps letting the other person know what you are thinking --that they couldn’t possibly care about you or your concerns and they are heartless and cruel if they think this or that, or did this or that, and listen for their response.  What you are thinking  if often wildly different from what they are thinking.

2.  Perhaps offering empathy, listening to the needs of the other person?  Get curious about what the needs are that have influenced their choices?  Remember that empathy is NOT agreement.  They might have nuanced considerations that you haven’t been able to hear because of your distress.

3.  Perhaps just trust that the care is there in the relationship and agree to talk about different things. Remember what brought you together in the first place and focus on those things.  Do the things that you do have in common.  Perhaps you have different political views yet you both love gardening.  Go to the garden centers together and omit conversations about politics.

When I hear about the polarization that is so prevalent, I find myself feeling disappointed and sometimes falling close to hopeless.  I come from a family that could easily disagree and still remain bonded --still care deeply for each other.  I have that in my important friendships as well.  Truthfully even new folks that I come in to my life, I may intentionally choose not to dive into the conversations that are likely to be so challenging.  I find there are so many facets of life  that I can enjoy talking about that it isn’t difficult to share stories and life with people who I know will disagree with lots of choices that I make and vice versa.  Yet we can still be friends and enjoy the things we have shared reality around.  Or we can talk about the disagreements we have, remaining curious about the other, rather than demanding they think exactly the way I do.  I like to relate to others offering a container of reverence and respect, and hope that they will offer that to me as well.  If people aren’t willing to hold space for me, I remain steadfast in my commitments and values and look for ways that we can relate that feel good to us.

This go-to choice of leaving relationships simply because you disagree (even about important topics) rather than choosing to stay in contact isn’t necessary.  It simply is because we have lost our skills to communicate well.  My concern doesn’t come from the idea that we ‘should’ stay together because it is a delightful and better choice.  It comes from the idea that humans are pack animals.  It goes against our own evolutionary nature to opt out of our pack, or our tribe.  In this way, my concern is for the well-being of the people that are making these kinds of choices even at the cost of their health and long-term happiness.

I’m not suggesting that you stay in every relationship you have.  I am suggesting that you become intentional and thoughtful about when, how and why you end relationships - or shift them by making agreements that feel healthy and supportive of your life.  And yes, even compassionate and in a container of respect for all involved.