I Almost Missed the Train!

I took the train to New York recently.  Time of departure was 9:46am.  On my ride to the train station there was an abundance of traffic, so my estimated time to arrive at 9:20am was more like 9:30am.  I remained calm, thinking of gratitudes in the car as I believe they can impact the outcome of uncomfortable situations.  Although my thoughts also included some uh-oh, I might miss my train.  I wondered what that would mean.  Would I cancel my trip?  Would I lose my money?  When would I re-schedule?  Maybe there would be another train leaving soon?  Would it cost more?  What would the impact be on those who I was planning to spend the day with?  Needless to say, I was flooded with considerations as my perfectly planned schedule was impacted by the unforeseen traffic.

It turned out that made my train easily.  I had probably 10-15 minutes at the station before the boarding line began heading down to the track.

Once I found my seat and the train began its journey, I was reflecting on what just happened, and I had the thought “I almost missed the train.”  I might have said it to anyone I was talking with in that moment.  I almost instantly became aware of two things:  1.  It wasn’t actually true.  2.  This is how quickly we confuse sharing an observation with an evaluation.

This is a classic example of evaluation being expressed in place of an observation.  I imagine if I shared what ‘my experience’ was, many of my friends wouldn’t agree with my interpretation of the facts.  Noticing my belief that my story was what happened is essential if I want to reduce or avoid many conflicts.  Working with folks in a class or in coaching, they often suggest that their experience equals an observation.  While it can be accurate to say, ‘it was my experience,’ that has little to do with what actually happened, as might be obvious in my example with the train.  I experienced it as a close call.  What actually happened (a re-telling of the facts) is: I ran into more traffic than anticipated and arrived at the train station 10 minutes later than I hoped.  ‘I experienced it as a close call’ is also an observation.  It was a close call is not.  These subtle differences in the words we choose is the difference between evaluation and observation.  I believe becoming aware of these nuances will make a considerable difference in the quality of your communication with others and hence, improve the quality of the relationships themselves. 

Here are a few examples of distinguishing observations from evaluations:

~My hair is a mess. vs.  I really don’t like the way my hair looks today.
~My computer is a relic. vs.  My computer can’t automatically do some of the newer things offered online.
~Last night you abandoned me at the party when you said you wouldn’t. vs.  Last night when you headed off with your friends at the party, even though that afternoon we agreed that we would hang together.
~It was unbearably hot yesterday, vs. I could barely manage the heat yesterday.  I got a headache and was dizzy all afternoon.
~My neighbors are energy hogs and have little respect for the environmental crisis.  I hear their air conditioning compressors on when it really isn’t necessary.  vs.  It is so difficult for me to manage my thoughts/feelings about my neighbors when I hear their air conditioning compressors running in the morning when it is 72 degrees outside.

Typically, merging our interpretation into what happened happens so fast that it is challenging to even notice.  A good practice you could play with during the day to day is to stop what you are doing, and practice noticing what you see.  An example:  “I notice the flowers in my garden.”  Rather than, “the flowers in my garden are so beautiful this time of year.”  The first statement is an observation.  The second is not.  Another example:  I’m seeing more and more trash on my block as the years go on.”  Rather than “My block is crazy filthy.”

Please don’t rush through this practice.  Take the time to check in, asking yourself if you have added an adjective, or other descriptive word.  Even something as simple as ‘I notice your long hair, rather than I notice how long your hair is.  The first including the interpretation of the length of hair, the second doesn’t --although they sound quite similar.

It is not necessarily important to always use observations when in conversations with your friends and family.  It is important to know if you are and when you aren’t.