Talking it Through ~ Oh So Good!

I have written about and coached folks from time to time to slow down when talking.  Take the time to notice whether talking about something —let’s say an issue, is bringing more connection or creating more distress.  Talking isn’t always the best option.  Perhaps singing together, or opting to do a project together, or holding hands in silence, or taking space, or getting out a joke book and reading each other jokes for 15 minutes might prove to bring more connection and ease into a difficult situation. 

I often make lists of all the other things I could say or do with someone that will bring me (and them?) the closeness, connection, care, needs that we often think talking about ‘the problem’ will do —yet isn’t. 

That said, one of the aspects of my work is to teach and encourage folks how to talk to each other in ways that meets needs for all.  One of the requirements to that is being mindful to what’s happening in every moment.  Checking in with yourself and others to determine if the needs you are hoping to meet are in fact, getting met.  Often talking about it is helpful.

This past Saturday and Sunday, I had the most glorious experience of talking something difficult through and having that conversation make an immediate (one day later) difference.  It was with Steve. 

Let’s see if I can share what happened communication-wise without the relatively private (and to some degree, insignificant) details of the ‘what happened’.

Steve was visiting.  We went to pick up my weekly flower-share at the local wild flower market —something I think is just so perfect, and to walk by the little farm where they grow the wildflowers.  This is in North Philly.  The flowers grow outside a warehouse building.   In this time, Steve did something I didn’t like —twice in about ½ hour.  He didn’t like the way I told him I didn’t like what he did.  Instant tension.  Not sure what to say, knowing something is amiss, and having very little confidence about what to do next. 

It is super not-my-favorite thing when we go from laughing to almost silence.

I asked what was going on for him.

He invited us to sit on a bench in the sun, took out a little tourmaline heart from his pocket and we used it as a talking stick.  I can’t remember who went first, and slowly, with care, we both shared as Marshall Rosenberg would say, ‘the good reasons’ we each did what we did.  It was tender and revealing and offered us a deeper understanding of how we might momentarily act in ways that seemed abrupt, or uncaring to the other.

We’ve been together for 2 weeks short of 21 years.  Are there still secrets?  I don’t think so, and yet we still find dust in the corners, the little things that we don’t quite fully get about each other.  This conversation offered us the clarity we needed to understand what happened.

Yet, this isn’t even the best part of the story.

The very next day, we were in the parking lot of the Lowe’s on Aramingo Avenue.  Steve was helping me with a garden project only he has the care and patience and unique skills for.  While walking to the car, he did the very thing he did the day prior that I didn’t like.  There was one huge difference.   He instantly reminded himself and me of why.  He didn’t need to because I totally ‘got it’ from the conversation we had on the bench the day prior.  I instantly offered him comfort.  I was crystal clear about what lies just beneath the skin of my beloved.  What thoughts and feelings lurk in his head and his heart which cause him distress.  In the span of a day, the experience we had was almost the exact opposite.  We hugged and celebrated in the Lowe’s parking lot.

This all came from talking.

Sometimes it is just the best!

—with exquisite listening mixed in, of course.