Should I Stay or Should I Go?

One of the most difficult places people find themselves in is the question ‘have I tried enough?’ in my relationship.  Should I stay or should I go?  For many this question just spins inside their heads over and over, leaving them stuck. Feeling stuck and resigned, resentful and guilty, sad and angry.  And hopeless. 

Some of the thoughts I hear with great consistency are:  I’m not happy yet….
I don’t want to hurt my partner
I care so much for them.
If they would just do this one (or two) things
If I try one more time or just a little harder
I don’t want to blame them.
Do I deserve to be happy?
Why can’t I be satisfied?
Will there really be anyone else who wants what I want?
Am I willing to give up what I do have for something else?
What about the kids?

This is one of the most emotionally draining situations to be in and one of the most challenging choices to make. Unless there is some obvious deal-breaker, you are left with the almost unanswerable questions and remain stuck. 

What can you do?  Get practical. 

Here is a list of things you can do to support you in sorting out your thoughts, hopes, dreams and then taking the steps necessary to follow your heart.

1.  The most important thing to do is drop your exploration out of blame and finding fault and sink into a needs-based consideration of your relationship.

2.  This process is so difficult, as best as you can relieve yourself from the burden of thinking it should be easy.  While not actually true, in our culture it is extremely rare that both partners are interested in this exploration as something that will be honoring and freeing, rather than filled with disappointment and sadness—considered as failure.  As much as you can weave in celebrating/savoring what you have created together, shared with each other, acknowledging the gifts you have received through the relationship and from each other.  The more sincerity and care and connection you can retain during this exploration, the more sacred the work becomes.  Remember you can keep the parts of your relationship that you love.  You are not ending a relationship; you are negotiating new agreements about what you will and won’t do with each other.  This is about needs being met.  It’s not about the value of the other person.  It’s not black and white, unless you make it that way. 

3.  Discern the needs you want to be met in any partnership relationship you want to have.  This clarity will guide the conversations with your partner. You can both evaluate if it’s possible between the two of you, and if your partner has the same needs as you.  It’s important to be honest and direct.  Push past your concern that you might hurt the other’s feelings at this point.  Even if you discover that you aren’t on the same page, this clarity will save you years of disappointment.

4.  As you begin the conversation, consider the needs that are met and the needs you long for in your partnership.  Sink in because likely a good deal of the challenge is that some needs are being met, and you will be taking the risk of losing those for the needs you are hoping to meet which are not.

Remember:  If intimacy (meaning honest conversation) has been one of the challenges all along, that this step, in and of itself just might not be possible.  This is difficult for some because they want honest and open conversation and the deep feeling level which is something their partner isn’t able to understand, or offer.  If you find yourself in this situation the best you can do is accept that it is so.  So often the person longing for more intimacy continues to ask and demand their partner to do something they aren’t able to.  Everyone is frustrated, disappointed, resigned and resentment builds.

It would like you asking someone to build you a house when they aren’t a contractor.  They literally don’t have the skills.  It seems much easier to understand and accept the limits of your partner in a case like this, yet the analogy is true.  You won’t insist that they build it anyway. Just as you will find someone else to build your house, you will likely want to find someone else to offer you the intimacy you are wanting.

5. Whether you decide that you are playing the same game and that you want to find your partnership connection again, or you decide that romantic partnership is something that will continue to bring you distress, the next step is making short term agreements.  Navigating back in or out is simply asking for and offering something different than what you have now.

The more that you can support yourself in connecting to your needs, the easier this part is.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of getting stuck in your head, thoughts of distress and meaning making that hearing what the other person is actually saying can become elusive.  Especially if the relationship is shifting out of partnership.

Unless one or both of you are crystal clear about how they want to move forward, then making short term agreements allows both partners to ask for and offer what they want knowing that you aren’t sure how it will feel.  Little by little, step by step, making choices and then checking in.  You are not deciding the rest of your life, you are looking for new ways to meet your needs and will want time to assess what agreements do and don’t.  The agreements will shift and change over time, as you both shift and change. As your hearts mend and time and interests move on, so will you understand how and when you will be spending time together.

6.  This item is last on this list, yet perhaps is should be first.  Find support people.  People you trust to hold space for the large and changing emotions you feel.  People with whom you can rage freely or cry forever with.  People who care, yet will offer you empathy when you need it most –bringing you back to your needs, over and over so the conversation with your partner isn’t being asked to bear that as well. 

My hope is that you and your partner will be able to hold a good amount of space for each other, yet at this particular point in a relationship, unless you have mad skills, finding others to lean on will offer you both freedom from holding all of the emotional space with each other. 

If this is a space you have been living in for any amount of time, I offer you my deepest care and compassion.  My hope is that you can free yourself of whatever burdens are mixed in with this choice you are wrestling with.  Having been there over 40 years ago myself, and still remembering it as one of the most painful experiences I endured, I understand.