Banging In the Night

I bought and began renovating my home in 2013/2014 and moved in August of 2015.  It was quite a robust project, with many twists and turns.  The first winter living here, when I was in my bedroom I would hear noises in the wall that were alarming to me.  I heard banging and what I thought were dripping noises in the corner.  It turns out that’s where the heating venting pipes are located.  At night, when it was quiet I would even record the sounds (over and over).  I was certain that the dripping noises were going to make my drywall wet, leading to termite infestation and ultimately rot the framing.  My general contractor and now good friend, assured me (over and over) that it wasn’t the case, that there were good reasons for those noises.  I would try to believe him, yet  not always able to resulting in years of trying to distinguish the noise from what meaning I was making.  Imagining that the dripping sounds were inside the pipes not from condensation outside provided some relief, yet I wanted more proof.  Five years in, I hired a guy to cut a 3-foot square opening in my drywall to observe the situation.  This means seeing it, connecting to the facts, what’s actually happening.  It turns out that the walls were, indeed, dry.  Having done this, I was more able to stay connected to what was true rather than my assessment of what ‘might be true’. 

I have been here over 10 years now.  There is no sign of moisture so I have settled in having more confidence that my initial fears were unfounded.  Ever since I checked behind the wall, I was relaxed about the damage, yet made a note that if I ever build another home, those vents will not be placed in the bedroom.

Here’s the kicker and what I want to highlight.  Bear with me, just a few more lines about my house, and then I’ll put it all together about how our thoughts (and needs) --what’s inside of us are the source of our feelings.

In the past two months, my combination heating and domestic hot water system stopped working.  There were two clues in the middle of the night I felt certain that something was amiss.  The first was that my room was getting cooler and cooler, with the room temp not matching what my thermostat was set to which never happened before.  The other, funny enough, was that I heard no noise in the wall.  For the first time since I landed in the house, I longed for the noise in the wall.

The HVAC team came and fixed some stuff, yet they recommended some kind of maintenance which will happen in a few weeks.  Having the heater go (literally) off, I’m a bit more alert to the noise in my room.  Last night I realized that the noise that I thought was bad for the first 5 years, neutral in the 2nd 5 years, now became a source of comfort and calm.  The meaning I made of the noises now was that the system was working well, and my home would remain warm in this cold snap.

The purpose of this story is to highlight the importance of the components of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), and in particular observations as distinguished from assessments or the meaning I make of what I see and hear (observe).

Typically, when teaching this, it seems obvious, yet in reality, our capacity to notice that we use these things interchangeably can be elusive.  We are believing what we think and sharing it as the truth, or what’s actually happening.  This habit can be quite disconnecting and challenging to navigate in relationships.

I shared my long story about the noises in my wall to illustrate the meaning I’ve made and the feelings that I had as a result of my thoughts.  The needs are the same: safety, security.  My feelings of distress were because I was sure that those needs weren’t being met.   The noise meant something bad was happening.  I was certain that was true.  The same noise, 10 years later, I felt more calm and relaxed because the meaning I made of the noise in my wall was that I was safe and warm.  The noise itself, was the same.

We do this with each other, over and over without realizing that we are responding to the meaning we make about what someone said or did, and when discussing it, referring to that as the truth of the matter.  What helps in these kinds of conversations as naming the thing that was said or done (the noise in the wall) and then offering your feelings in relationship to the meaning you have made and what needs you are celebrating or longing for.  This process helps you resolve conflict, make agreements that meet your needs and find more joy in your life.