Love or Fear, Is it Really that Simple?

Have you been to workshops, or read memes on social media about this? Either we are acting from love or we are acting from fear.  I have.  Often.  Yet, is it really that simple?  Kind of yes, and mostly no.

When I read those words —either you are coming from love or fear, my cynicism kicks in. My moralistic, judgmental thoughts are abundant.  I think things like:  ‘Of course, that sounds great —let’s see if you can do it?!’  Or, ‘Don’t you think I would do that if I could?!’  I get a bit snarky for my own liking.  It doesn’t seem to bring out the best in me.

In a very big-picture point of view, I want to agree with this.  Wise people (they must be wise if they say or write about this?!)  When I think it through, I mostly don’t agree.

One way I might differ is the way I think about feelings in general.   Human beings have been given the gift of feelings.  If I have been given fear as an option, I’m hesitant to throw it out as not useful. 

Perhaps fear has value as an emotion.  I want to trust that I am fully able to embrace fear when it shows up, say, when someone I don’t know is banging on my door at 3am.  Or if my dog swallowed something I think is harmful. 

Just recently, I was in a client session.  This person was reading a book they were so inspired by.  They said to me, “Terrie, it’s so simple.  Rather than go through your ‘stuff’ when it comes up, just let it go.” I wholeheartedly agree.  Sure thing!  Why not? In general I wish they would offer something more.  Something like a ‘how to’ of doing it as they suggest.  Practical application of the meme.

Instead of a how to, I’m left with the idea that I’m not enlightened enough or spiritual enough or strong enough to love instead of be afraid.  So not only am I afraid, working as hard as I can to find calm and a loving place, and unable to do so, I’ve added plenty of self-doubt and self-judgment onto my emotional burden because I am not enlightened.

From the perspective of the work I do —needs based living, knowing what needs are driving the feeling of fear is the ‘how to’ of letting something go.  If what I teach is accurate (of course it is!?) being afraid offers an opportunity to embrace useful or valuable information.  Information that might serve you well in the days and years to come.  Where I agree with taking action directly from fear may not lead to the outcome I want.  In the examples I offered of the intruder or a doggie eating something poisonous, then not much more time or information is needed to take action.  The needs for safety or the well-being of the dog are obvious and I know what action to take to meet those needs.

I’m guessing even those who profess that love is the better option, might agree that in these cases, fear is a good motivation to take action.  I don’t know for sure.

In the case of fear of something where the need isn’t as obvious, the process is the same.  The difference is the amount of time required to uncover the need underlying the fear.  Using their language, I can now let go of the fear and put my attention on the need itself. 

Here’s an example:  Your boss calls you into their office and hasn’t given you an indication of why.  You might feel afraid.  The thoughts are, “What’s happening?  What did I do wrong?”  If you can connect to the needs underneath, perhaps they are something like:  security (wanting to keep your job), appreciation (for the time and attention you put into your work), acknowledgement (of how much care sfor the company).  Once you connect to the needs, you might feel more calm and have access to strategies that weren’t obvious in the chaotic energy that is present steeped in the energy of fear.

Another example of this could be when your partner doesn’t call when they say they will.  You might first actually feel angry.  Underneath that is almost always a version of fear or sadness.  In this case, acknowledging the fear and moving your attention to the need is the how to let go.  Perhaps your need is one or more of the following:  security (Are they breaking up with me?  —especially if you share finances and you are now concerned with paying your rent), quality of connection, trust, dependability, the partner’s well-being (Are they safe?  Did something happen to them?), consideration.

Taking this step of dropping into your needs is where you drop out of fear and into what’s truly important.  It connects you to the self-awareness to assess what’s actually important.  From this place you are more able to choose a strategy that will meet one or more of the needs.  No need for the fear any longer.

I suspect that’s what teachers and authors are suggesting when they use the word love.  Coming from a place of more calm alert when navigating life.

Given that the feelings list I distribute is two full sides of 8 ½ x 11 paper, my teaching is that you might nuance your feelings a bit more than only having love or fear to choose from.  Simplify if you must.  My lists are organized into two categories:  1.  feelings you might have when needs are met, and 2.  feelings you might have when feelings are not met.  So…in a way there are ‘two’.  Still, the value of becoming more feeling literate —meaning having a whole bunch to choose from is that you have access to more information. 

Are you a little afraid, mildly concerned, or panicked?  Are you experiencing sheer delight and pleasure, or are you amused?

Ultimately this will help when deciding when and how and what actions to take to attend to your feelings.  Both when you are responding to others to navigate a situation, and when you are wanting to have more capacity to know yourself deeply. 

The take away as I finish up thinking about this:

Love and fear are both valuable experiences. Try your best to be mindful of what is happening in the moment, connect to the needs wanting to be met and make decisions that serve you (and hopefully everyone) best.