Will Smith + Chris Rock ~ Perfect Teaching Moment

I didn’t watch the Oscars on Sunday night, yet I watched what happened between Will Smith and Chris Rock.  I can only imagine it is because that exchange offers the most perfect classic opportunity to talk about the ideas behind Nonviolent Communication.  My first pass at writing something was quite educational (and dry).  I’m realizing I want to write about what is in my heart.

I mostly feel sad.

I watched Will Smith live when he gave his acceptance speech.  He clearly said what he thought his role was in his life (meaning and purpose).   “I am overwhelmed by what God is calling me to be in this moment of my life.  I am being called on in my life to love people, to protect people and to be a river to my people.  In this business you have to be able to have people talk crazy about you.  You have to be able to take having people disrespecting you. You have to smile and pretend like that’s okay.  I want to be a vessel for love.”  It was when he said this last statement that he was able to begin saying his thank you’s.  Connect, once again to gratitude.

When he was crying so was I. 

I believe Will.  I believe he was overwhelmed.  I think he is crying because what happened is likely everything he would never want to have happened.  Almost the exact opposite.

Will Smith.  Grew up in West Philadelphia.  I’m guessing his life was hard from the perspective of being a person of color growing up in a relatively poor city in the US.  When he became famous for his music, he was quite public about not using curse words in his rap and wanting to shift the perspective about young black men.  Big vision and I’m guessing it was super challenging very often.

Fast forward 30 years and he is about to win an academy award —the highest honor anyone can win in his field.  For a role about getting out of the ghetto and accepting no shit.  [King Richard was the film and Smith played the role of Richard Williams, the father of super famous tennis sisters, Venus and Serena].  A very public moment.  I’m guessing that Will had been thinking about the moment in front of him.  For days, for weeks, possibly years. The opportunity, responsibility and the importance of his words likely weighing heavily on him.

The host of the show makes a joke about his wife, and she isn’t laughing.

Here’s the critical moment —a choice point.  The moment between ‘what happened’ and our response.  In this case it was Will’s moment.  This is when the structure of NVC is so valuable, because having it allows us not to have to think so much about what to do.  This is why we teach it.  For this moment.  Will was unable to connect to his needs and choose a response that he will celebrate.  

Because life is so complicated.  

He grew up in a world of ‘needing to protect’ himself and his people.  In his case, likely actually truly protect himself —over and over.  If I have learned anything these past few years as I explore what privilege means, one of the things I understand is that a person of color’s experience of the world and my experience of the world are vastly different. 

And…is what happened such a big deal?  It must happen all the time.  Any kind of conflict and people responding in ways that don’t meet their needs.  It has happened to me hundreds of times.  Even now, with all that is happening in the world, I feel angry with some regularity and I feel an urge to punch someone —almost anyone.  To get the energy up and out, so I can find calm again.  So far, I haven’t been so overwhelmed (as Will acknowledged was happening for him) that I have done it.  I have yelled a bit.  I find relief gathering with friends around a fire and just letting it all out.

For Will, he happened to do it in front of millions of people.  With a bunch of opinions.  That they believe are true.  And will share on the variety of platforms they have.  He now must bear this moment of choosing a tragic strategy and hear people talk crazy about him (again) —as if they have ever walked a single moment in his shoes. 

I will invite you to consider this.

What were you feeling as you watched it unfold, or saw it for the first time?  Shock, confusion, excitement?  What needs do you think they were connected to?

As we enter the response phase of this event, what are you contributing to the conversation?  Are you looking for who is to blame?  What posts I am seeing on facebook and Instagram and on the news are through that lens.  Lots of different questions, pointing fingers.  I invite you to take a look at the situation with curiosity and compassion.  Rather than moralistic judgement (who did what right or wrong), are you able to discern what needs everyone involved might have been trying to meet?

Are you able to connect your own feelings and needs as you respond, talk with your friends or make comments on social media?  Why are you saying the things you are?  What needs are you trying to meet?  Why does it even matter? 

Are you holding Will Smith to a higher standard than you hold yourself?

In my own life I have had the experience of having bigger moments —ones I had been hoping for, go awry.   Particularly remembering having had an opportunity to present publicly this NVC work which I hold dear.  I experienced overwhelm of the moment, feeling pressure to ‘get it right’, lose myself and have it go exactly opposite of my dreams.  In front of a bunch of people (not millions).

I hope that he has access to resources that will guide him through this experience, offer him empathy and that he can continue his work in the world.

I believe he wants to shift the cultural narrative, and didn’t/doesn’t have the support he needs.  He is shifting from being a young, enthusiastic man to an elder in his community.  I believe he is taking this role on.  I believe this moment will be an important one in the history of a shift in our cultural narrative.  I hope that he, and Chris Rock and Denzel and everyone else who was there, and wasn’t there yet cares will take this moment and use it as a teaching moment. 

Personally, watching this has brought up some deep feelings.  Likely equity and compassion and respect are some of the needs behind my own rage and disappointment as I witness the response of the world. 

For example, why is Chris Rock being judged so harshly for his joke about Jada’s hair in the first place?  Ricky Gervais (another host) never got hit, in fact was invited back for more hosting.  He was known for being merciless with personal jokes about people’s shortcomings.  I wonder what would have happened if Will Smith punched a white guy?  The world wide agreement that Chris Rock made a joke about a disease, rather than a hairstyle?  Did he even know?  Classically, Jada Pinkett-Smith is absolutely stunning.  I can guess his joke seemed safe because no one would even think she might be sensitive to her looks.  I also suffer with the ongoing thought that there are so many very serious issues we as humans face that receive far less air time, far less emotional and mental energy given to considering solutions.  How can this be what the collective is focusing on?  BTW, these kinds of thoughts are the ones that spark rage and have me wanting to throw my own punches.

Bringing myself back to the topic at hand…

Every moment is that moment.  A choice point.  We can continue the rhetoric of blame and shame, or deepen our capacity to see life through the lens of connecting to needs and doing everything we can to create a world where everyone’s needs matter.

I have never walked a moment in Will Smith’s shoes.  I see him and intend for his success.  I would love to be a support person for him to continue with his personal work in the world.