Put Yourself in the Center of Your Life
Many people struggle with the idea that others think of them as selfish. This idea leads people to do things they don’t want to out of obligation rather than choice. Which leads to resentment. When the idea that if you ask for what you want, let alone get what you want, is somehow selfish, is a burden to all involved. Being inside a relationship where you think you have to fight for your freedom is painful. Especially if the other people you are in relationship with have a similar story. Then all people are navigating their choices through a lens of what others might think, and the burden of wanting to appear generous. Usually this thought pattern lurks beneath everyone’s awareness leaving all confused, hurt and angry. Without the capacity to notice what’s happening and talk it through, the couple is destined for years of stress and strain.
In coaching sessions, I hear with some regularity that the one or the other of people in a partner relationship wants to end it for this very reason. My encouragement is to first work to find your freedom inside your relationships. Life is so much more fulfilling, relationships are much more enjoyable. This way you don’t lose all the needs that are actually met inside the relationships you have for the sake of perceived freedom. I suggested perceived freedom, because that is what it is. In general, freedom is yours to give away rather than for someone else to take from you. [please note I am referring to relationships in general, not extreme circumstances.] Unless you are able to drop this story of being selfish, work through it with your partner, you are destined to start and end relationships over and over.
A few shifts in the language you use will help you find freedom in your everyday communication.
1. Replacing the words ‘have to’, with either ‘get to’ or ‘want to’. How many times a day do you say I have to…? Or hear it from someone else? It just isn’t true, and saying it over and over leaves you continuing to believe your thoughts that you have no choice. Here’s a quick example: You are on the phone, and another call comes in that you want to take for one reason or another. What do you say? “I have to take this call.” Rather than, “I really want to talk to this other person, I’m going to hang up and grab it.” Likely you don’t say the second version because it sounds selfish?
2. Replacing the words, ‘I can’t’, with ‘I am not going to’. I can’t come over tonight. Again, not true. You are choosing to do something else. Why don’t you just say what’s true? Does it sound selfish to say, ‘I really want to stay home tonight because my roommates and I are going to....” Or even more challenging to say, “I really prefer to hang out with ….. tonight, how about you and I check in later in the week?” Or even harder still, “Our time together has been a bit challenging lately, and I think I am going to take some space this week and regroup. Let’s plan something for next week.”
A more thorough investigation requires that you distinguish between selfish and self-centered for relationships to flourish in the freedom you seek.
One of the touchstones of a mutually satisfying relationship is living with the intention that everyone’s needs matter equally. Remembering this, along with the idea that needs are universal while strategies to meet the needs are unique to a situation or a person. In the case of finding freedom (a need) rather than insisting on one particular strategy is essential to having what you actually want. It is in your strategies that you can become creative with another to find ways to meet needs.
All this leads us into the conversation of being centered in yourself versus the idea of being selfish. One is that you are fully present and connected with your needs. And willing to advocate for your needs being met in your relationships. If this is as far as you get, there is a possibility that you are acting ‘selfishly’. However if you simultaneously offer the same presence and connection with another’s needs, then perhaps you are truly being centered in yourself, hoping another will do the very same. It is sweet and connecting and even fun then to navigate how you both will be able to experience your day, your evening, your life fully free, and remain super caring about the other folks who you are relating to.
It might take a bit of persistence because even when we care about another’s needs equal to our own, just stating with confidence what we want and what our own limits and concerns might be, others might not have that skill or confidence. It might still be received as selfish. In this instance, it is an opportunity to show that you care. An example might be saying something like, “I am very connected to what I want, yet I only want to do this if it meets your needs as well. Let’s talk about that for a second.” Even still, you might be met with confusion and a story that you are “too” something. Bold, confident, assertive. In our culture we confuse being nice with being responsible for someone else’s experience. Others might not want to (or actually be able to) let you off the hook for their happiness. Once again, distinguishing caring about another’s happiness rather than being responsible for it would be a wonderful exploration —to dive into in another blog.
Being centered in yourself, caring for another’s needs and about their wellbeing and feelings is the most you can offer in relationship. If you are truly met in this place, relationships can be so, so wonderful. While it is magical, my experience suggests that it does take commitment to shifting your perspective and your communication habits. Relationships steeped in this kind of honesty, intimacy, joy, love, care, partnership, consideration, cooperation and trust become beyond ecstatic. It is worth the time and energy, if you and your partner want this.
Don’t reserve this possibility for a partner person. With a little education and practice you might also have it with your parents, and your kids and your co-workers as well.