My Fuse is Getting Longer

Sometimes my clients share with me in the most inspiring ways.  Today was one of those days.  This couple has been working together and with me for some time and they were reporting the shifts they experience in being able to connect with each other better and better (with some glitches, of course).  One of the women I was talking to shared with me in her reflections, “I think my fuse is getting longer.”  I found this to be one of the most inspiring (funny, and crystal clear) metaphors I’ve heard in quite some time. 

Most of us, if not all have heard people say, “she, he, they even say when referring to themselves, I have a short fuse.  In the moment, I’m mad before I even know it, let alone know why.  Once I’m there, I have little capacity to ‘do NVC’.   At that point, I either get quiet (too scared to say anything), or want to leave the room –need space.”

The short fuse is often a sticking point (a pain point) of how to stay connected, rather than lose yourself or the other, in real time.  That’s why I was so intrigued when she said, ‘I think my fuse is getting longer’.  What a fabulous analogy!!

In the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) world we talk about slowing the conversations down –in real time.  Take a pause between what happened that triggered us and responding.  This requires commitment to the process and practicing over and over in real time.  The imagery in this metaphor gave me a visual that I didn’t have before when supporting people in the how to do this. 

Most of us understand the phrase, I (or they) have a short fuse.  We understand it to mean that we are ready to fight, or get angry instantly.  Leaving us with little or no capacity to interrupt our feelings or our actions.  We are fighting or fleeing before we even ‘know it’.  If we are describing someone else, we might even use it against them in some way –when we are still in the finding fault (blame) context of relating.  When my client, was describing the benefits of her hard work in implementing the practices of tracking needs, said, “I think my fuse is getting longer”,  as one of her support people and someone who cares deeply,  I was super happy.  She now had a bit of time between experiencing something that rubbed her the wrong way, and instantly reacting without much facility to notice the why behind her strong emotions and stories that she held as true.

When we are ‘triggered’ or have that instant distress response to something someone else said or did, it can be quite the challenge to slow things down.  Why do we want to slow things down?  So we can get crystal clear about the needs that are actually influencing and driving our emotions, giving us the ability to consider what we might say or do that will meet the needs we are longing for.

When we say slow things down, I think this is a wonderful metaphor for just that.  That the time it takes from the fire lighting our fuse to the time it takes for the ‘bomb to explode” is longer.  We have a bit more time.

#nomorebombs!!