I Wish I Could

I just heard this response by two different people in the last two days.  Truthfully, I hear it relatively often.  I wish I could, sorry!  I find it particularly unsatisfying when someone replies this way.  Not because they are declining an invitation, but because when it comes to choices we are making in life, for example scheduling things, these words aren’t actually true. Of course you can.  I wish I could come to your party.  I wish I could take that class.  I wish I could join you for lunch.  Likely you can do these things, yet for a wide variety of reasons you are choosing something else.  A simple addition of what you opting to do instead adds just a bit more connection into our conversation.  For me, even if you are just hanging at home.  I can get behind you finding rest, or quiet time.  Whatever it is, I prefer being included in your life.

Let’s get to the push back you might be thinking of.  Of course, there are a few things we might not be able to do.  For example, I can’t lift things over 100 lbs.  Or I don’t have the strength to move something that heavy on my own.  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s continue with the things we can do, yet say we can’t.

I am (and you are) in charge of our time, --our calendar.  We have control over our thoughts, our choices, and even something like we think ‘we can’t afford’ like a trip to Nova Scotia.  Maybe you don’t enough funds to make the trip comfortably, yet even that is a choice.  You prefer to use your available funds to pay your rent, or car payment, feed your kids, save for the future and the like.  That is true.  Without stretching to explore all the solutions you might have if you really wanted to go, there are probably a few possibilities that you might consider. 

While these things are important to me, they aren’t my deepest concern with this phrase.  My concern about using that phrase (or is it a sentence?) is that it releases us of our power.  It is a powerless place from which to live our lives and relate to others.  The language suggests that you think you aren’t making your own choices.  That there is something else in charge.  This leads to missed opportunities for connection and to negotiate life with another.  Instead, opting out of a conversation that acknowledges you are powerfully connected to your needs.  

Why aren’t you willing/able to say what’s true?  Possibly because you still believe that you can hurt another’s feelings and that is painful for you.  Perhaps you prefer not to engage in a negotiation based on needs.  So you pretend that it isn’t a choice, therefore you aren’t responsible to listen to how your choice impacts the other.  If this is the case, is this strategy in alignment with your values?  If it is, great.  If it isn’t then, reconsider your language?

If you can free yourself from the story that you are responsible for anyone’s happiness, this will be easier for you to do.  And if you can free yourself, yet the other still holds you responsible, how do you find the language in your conversation to experience freedom inside the relationship?  If that isn’t happening, then consider why you continue to relate to others if it isn’t pleasant.  There might be good reasons to continue, and there might be good reasons not to.

For those of you who want to relate authentically, this is part of it.  Find your power, autonomy, choice, and freedom.  Say what’s actually true, rather than pretend you lack the power to choose what you want to do --moment to moment.  I think it feels so good to all the people involved.  If not consciously, certainly in our gut --our limbic system.  It builds trust and care.  When you understand the needs that you are meeting by declining an invitation, the more confidence you will have to share what they are and celebrate your choice.  If you do share your choice, and the other person has a story that somehow it is bad, then pivot and employ your ninja empathy skills.  This is how NVC works in real time.  Pivoting based on what is happening right now.  Using the structure of tracking on observations, feelings, needs and making requests and offers.

This is a simple way to reclaim the power you wish to experience in your life.  Not really changing anything, except your language.  Give it a try over the next month and let me know what happens.