Sorry (Not Sorry) for Interrupting

Interrupting sure does have a bad rap.  I can easily understand why.  Often, we are just hoping to shut someone up.  If the interruption is to get your point across before someone else does, then certainly that communication strategy is likely to decrease the understanding and connection someone might feel with you.  It seems like you aren’t listening or even interested what the other person is saying --which could even be true.  They might even feel frustrated to angry because they are hoping for a dialogue that you don’t seem interested in --or even capable of. 

Do you even notice if you are interrupting?  Are you the person who says sorry for interrupting, and does it anyway?  If you are doing it anyway, then what’s the apology all about for you? From a classic NVC point of view, what needs are met and what needs at the cost of your interruption? 

Let’s explore if it is possible to interrupt someone as an invitation to talk more rather than a demand to shut up—or offer criticism.  I am a fan and I think the answer is a resounding YES!  There is an art and a skill to interrupting for connection requiring mindfulness and pivoting, slowing down and deep, compassionate listening for needs. 

Using interruption as a strategy to connect more deeply requires that we are tracking on what’s happening in the conversation using the NVC components and structure:  observations, feelings, needs, and requests.  Is the person interrupting very clear on the needs that the action of interrupting they are trying to meet?  This is essential.  Because that is the only way they will be able to track if those needs are being met or not.  It will be much easier to pivot and navigate the conversation with care --remembering that the person they are talking with might not be able to hear the interest in being heard, no matter how much that intention is being communicated.

If someone has been interrupted many times and told to get to the point, or been told “I’ve heard all this before, or could you hurry up” then being interrupted for any reason is heard through the lens and repeated experience of criticism.  If you are the interrupter, it will require significant skills, slowing the conversation with connection requests, likely over and over.  Checking in.  If the intention is to find connection and closeness, mutual understanding, then this is the task at hand.

For example:  Pivoting right into asking what the other person heard, and listening to their response will help you guide the conversation into both of you understanding that you want to hear them --explaining how you are having trouble tracking all the words.  Making a request to begin again and take some pauses?  [I remember how challenging this was for me, as a person who spoke quickly and used many, many words to get my point across.  BTW --I still hear from time to time, that I use more words than people like, often not expressed quite that way.  More like “Terrie, you talk too much”, or “Terrie, you repeat yourself.”  I work on remembering this and pausing way before I would if just left to my own devices.  What I want is to be heard, or mutual understanding and knowing these needs makes it easier for me to stop talking.] 

When you choose interrupting as a strategy for connection, please be quite intentional with your language.  Rather than apologizing, celebrate it, or at very least acknowledge what you are doing.  Pretending that you are sorry that you want connection isn’t true.  Rather than saying “I’m sorry for interrupting”, begin with “I’m interrupting here because I think it will help us”. Or, “I’d like to interrupt right now because I think it will help me track on what you are saying and that’s important to me.”  As I mentioned above, if the person hears criticism, at that point you might offer regret they are in distress, and pivot to offering empathy for how difficult it has been in the past for them to have the experience of being heard.  Tracking on the needs present as they show up. 

This is the magic of NVC.