Home NOT Alone ~ How Are You Doing?

We have all been home now, in varying manners of quarantine for approaching a month.  Some of you are home with your families.  All day.  Every day.

In my experience, living with roommates or significant others —sharing space we call ‘home’ presents challenges in regular life.  It is basically what my work is all about.

Add in these Corona Virus circumstances of being together ‘always’ in all ways (workplace, play space, rest space, workout space, possibly homeschooling space, sleeping space —what else?) while navigating a cultural story that our lives are in danger, monumental financial concerns, and the uncertainty of when this might end, you might find communication getting problematic. 

Here are five helpful hints to help you communicate your way through this uncharted territory: 

1.  Have a conversation about your beliefs concerning what is going on and how it relates to your household.  I have found that there are a variety of ideas about what is safe, what isn’t.  If people in the same household are not in agreement about this, it will be important to know it.  

You might find a house filled with tension when people who live together find themselves not aligned in the best practices for safety.  In this case, I encourage you to keep talking.   Make short-term agreements about what each of you could do that meets the needs of safety and autonomy for all involved.  

This situation calls for super-capacity to separate your needs from the strategies to meet those needs.   Do your very best to dive deep into creativity when coming up with strategies.  Think of a whole bunch of ways to meet the needs including ones you might not ever say yes to, yet knowing they actually will meet the needs.  A long list of strategies will offer you calm, choice, a sense of abundance and a wider variety of things to choose from as quarantine time continues.

2.  If you begin to ‘get on each others’ nerves’, talk about it.  Rather than pretend it isn’t happening, when it is.  Realizing that humans haven’t been used to living together in this kind of proximity for a couple of centuries, (we did live like this for way longer than we haven’t, we have just forgotten how), I suggest you talk it through.  If the conversation can happen without  the blame and name calling that might be on the tip of your tongue, I think it will go better.  Stick to some specific requests.  Perhaps you want some alone time.  You can ask for a schedule when you can be in one room, and the others are somewhere else.  If you want to watch certain things on TV, perhaps you ask for some times to pick the shows. 

3.  If you have different ideas about what is actually happening right now and find yourselves bristling when time you discuss it, then consider talking about it in another way.  

I suggest this because I think it will be hard to just not talk about it.  

Look for the parts of the story that you do agree about.  Maybe you both (or all) are concerned for the welfare of everybody, or the welfare of the planet.  You might agree that you are scared for your own and others’ financial well-being.  Maybe you are all grateful for the time off.  Maybe you share a love for the gardening, or taking walks.  Maybe you have a foodie household.   Talk about the things you do agree on as much as you can.  This is a time to connect to your needs before speaking.  If you are wanting ease and peace in the household, then before you bring up your differences, consider if the conversation you are starting will contribute to what you are hoping for (ease and peace, or shared reality).  If it won’t, then maybe just don’t say it. 

4.  Empathy, empathy, empathy.  Listen for what is important to the other person even if they are saying things you don’t like.  Remember that listening empathically (for feelings and needs), isn’t agreeing.  It is simply a gift of offering someone a chance to speak and be heard.  It does require some skills —and might be super difficult especially if you are in distress as well, yet give it a try.  Just listen, without response, other than to say ‘thank you for telling me what is going on for you, I understand you a bit better now.’  

If you find yourself unable to listen in this way, for any reason, then be honest and compassionate.  Let the other person know that you are struggling too much to be able to listen in a way that feels good to you, and likely the conversation won’t go well.   Please don’t pretend that you can and then build up resentment.

I encourage you to make agreements about this as well.  Do not insist that talking to each other is the way to find solutions —especially if it isn’t.  Find other people you can talk to so that your empathy needs will actually get met given the intensity of the circumstances.  This is not defeat, this is good strategizing to meet needs.

5.  Gratitude Practice.  Given our Negativity Bias, humans are designed to notice what is wrong.  The remedy for this is developing a strong gratitude practice.  Drive your mind to notice what is right.  In this case, I encourage this as much as, if not more than anything to shift tension in your mind and in your household.  Do it on your own or better yet do it together.  Maybe have gratitude competitions?  Who can find more things to be grateful for in 5 minutes?

Has something worked in your household?
Maybe you are playing games together?
Or reading your favorite books to each other?
Maybe you are putting on weekly skits or videos and posting to facebook?

Please share your success stories in the comments below.  I live alone, so…