Could it be You?

My Instagram feed is mostly garden, interior design and local food posts. I also follow a few psychologists that post daily about relationships.  Mostly memes and snippets of advice.  I find there tends to be a flavor of ‘they’ are a problem.  ‘They’ aren’t answering your ‘whatever’, so get rid of them.  ‘They’ aren’t showing up in the way you want, so they aren’t good enough for you.  If ‘they’ don’t love you the right way, then they haven’t done their work.  Power to you for dumping that lump.

Obviously, I agree.  If you aren’t happy in a relationship and you have tried the best you can to have your needs met, then absolutely make choices that serve you (and them?) better.  Yet I think these memes are misleading.  And often don’t actually empower the reader (you) to create the relationships they hope for.

They just amp up the story that someone is doing something wrong, and it’s not you, it’s ‘them’.

It usually just isn’t that simple.

The biggest issue here is that this plays into the blame game.  Finding fault.  There is no healing possible through that lens of relating.  Unless we are all willing to explore what’s happening between us with curiosity and honesty, there is very little chance of developing the understanding and care and connection that we long for in our partnerships.

Another concern when I know so many people are reading these memes is that they take solace in is they think they are empowering themselves by believing that the other person is to blame, without considering their own contribution to what isn’t working in a relationship.  These memes are being taken as the truth of all relationships, rather than offering the reader (you) an opportunity to empower themselves inside a relationship, rather than by leaving one.  The memes also lack offering any skills to do just that.  Ultimately while what’s written seems so meaningful to the reader (you), it likely leaves them –in most cases, less able to navigate their way into relationships that feel good and are mutually satisfying.

The assumption that the reader (you) are saying and doing things perfectly and that the other person is just not up to snuff is likely not true.  Remember, your partner could be reading the same meme, coming to a similar conclusion that the struggles are your fault, and if they just leave another person will be the perfect match.

When you are looking for who is to blame, who did something wrong first, you are basically starting a fight.  If you are hoping to generate connection and mutual understanding in your relationship, it’s essential for honesty, tenderness, and compassion to be woven into your conversations. 

Rather than assign blame to the other person (which tends to generate a defensive response) begin your conversations by sharing what has truly happened in the relationship –what we call observation, and how you feel about it.  You are increasing the possibility that the other person can actually hear what you say next.  When you share your thoughts in this way –even if it is a complaint of sorts, you are inviting a quality of listening by the other person (without blame or finding fault) the response you get might be something you actually want to hear. 

Whether you stay in the relationship you are in, or choose to start fresh, if you have these skills, then you have a superpower.  You have the capacity to transform any relationship –parents, kids, co-workers into something better.  Being mindful of how you relate and contribute to the situations you are in, empowers you fully to generate more of what you want, and make the choices that serve you best.

You might have relationship(s) that you enjoy.  Then you can write about it on Instagram!