Being Heard and Respecting Choice
What are you really hoping for when you want to be heard? Is there a difference between being heard, being fully self-expressed and being agreed with?
Yes! And I think we confuse these pretty consistently. Let’s explore the distinctions and why it is important to know what’s really alive for you.
I often hear in coaching sessions —usually in a couples session, “I just want to be heard!” To be heard is a need, absolutely. So important to be heard and seen for our intentions. Since this is the case, I will ask, what are a few of your strategies to meet that need. That is when I discover that the client (or friend) really meant, “I want to be heard by—fill in the blank: my partner, my mother, my co-workers, my boss.
Being Heard is a need. Being heard by a particular person is one strategy to meet that need. Distinguishing this is fundamental for creating happy relationships.
Check in with yourself when you think this, or say it to someone. If you are saying to someone, “I want to be heard by you.” you actually making a demand. And, in the process, giving your power away. Essentially you are handing your power for happiness, satisfaction and joy over to someone else, insisting that they do something they may not want to, or be able to. This is so, so common. We get attached to our strategies, rather than the needs themselves. Once you are able to accept that this person hasn’t or isn’t able to, or doesn’t understand what you are asking, or just doesn’t want to listen, then you can choose another option available to you to meet the need, rather than continue to make the same demand.
When you are consistently having the experience of ‘not being heard’, take stock of what you are saying. Are you dumping your opinions about someone (or a situation) onto them that may or may not actually be true, yet insisting that you are right? Is how you are sharing what’s happening for you in a way that is easy for someone to hear? An example of this is when someone does something and you find yourself angry. You anger is letting you know that something is important to you and because the feeling is angry (rather than mild disappointment), it is very important. Usually the thought that rides along with anger is that the other did something wrong. Your response is to get them to change, rather than share how you feel. Anger is not the issue. The struggle comes from having tragic ways to share what’s alive in you. Meaning your needs —in this case to be heard, will not be met. If your tone of voice indicates that you are forgetting to care about their needs in addition to your own then what comes back will more likely be being told to shut up in some way, or argued with, or the person will just leave the room. The issue is how you communicate about what is causing your anger. [PERSONAL NOTE: this took me a bit to navigate in my own life—as obvious as it is to me now, is just how veiled it was to me for years and years.]
Perhaps you let someone know that you want to be heard and they are happily willing to listen. You sit down, chat it up about what you want to be heard about, they even repeat it back accurately and with heart. Yet there is still something amiss. You feel disappointed, frustrated, uneasy, furious or otherwise unhappy. If this is the case, take time to check in for some honest reflection. Is being heard what you want? Or do you actually want to be agreed with? If it is the latter, then the need might be something else. Look at the needs list and consider really what you are longing for. I might suggest: to be seen, shared reality, mutuality? Or even: assurance, security. Perhaps your feelings are directing you to wanting more confidence in your relationship, or that you matter. Another way to uncover the needs that your feelings point to is to ask this: If they actually agreed with you, then what need(s) do you imagine being met?
This process offers you more spaciousness to consider all the options you have (with this person) or other ways to have the experience you are hoping for. Remember that being attached to your strategy often leads to frustration and resignation for all. Use all the creativity you have to make a long list of ways these needs will get met. Holding on tightly to the needs, and very loosely to the specific way to meet those needs.
Interacting with the person directly involved is only one way to get your needs met. You might talk to others, or do a meditation practice or an inner exploration in order to feel more confidence. Knowing this gives you even more options to choose from to meet needs.
Finally, let’s explore this situation: You feel frustrated because someone hasn’t heard you in a way that feels good to you. Possibly they don’t agree to the requests you make of them, or they do agree, yet lack the follow through you hope for. You decide that you want to make a change in the relationship. And you are going to tell them. Why? So you are heard for your intentions. Yet, they consistently lack the capacity to hear you which is exactly why you want to make the change. How is it that you think in this communication you will be heard, when honestly, when you have been disappointed over and over? In this case, possibly the actual need is to be fully self-expressed.
When you are clear and confident about what needs will be met by making a shift in your relationship you want to communicate it at least one time to the person involved anticipating that you will be heard for your intention is unlikely. Are you interested in saying anything understanding that they aren’t required to do anything about it?
Yet saying it to them might be a wonderful strategy to experience full self-expression. Being able to distinguish this before you ask for the conversation is important for your satisfaction. Letting them off the hook to do something they aren’t able to or interested in doing will offer you a great deal of relief and freedom —even though you might also be very sad at the loss of your dream for this relationship.
One of the outcomes of doing this practice is that it honors choice and freedom for all involved. Relating with sense of respect for who each person is and what’s important to them keeps communication crystal clear. Ultimately it will help you find and/or develop the relationships of your dreams. And it isn’t just for romantic partners. Family members, business partners, neighbors, friends and even though kids are family members, I would like to highlight those relationships especially. We often hold our children to different standards than others because they are young, and we have a great deal of power over them.
Successful relationships require caring about the needs of all the people involved with us. Possibly a topic for another time, yet important to catch right here. If someone doesn’t want to listen, and what you value is being heard, then one way for that to happen is to ‘hear the other person’. Are you interested in what is important to them? How is your listening? Needs are not linear, they don’t only this way or that. They are an experience we want to and can generate and steep in the energy we create. It can manifest by having someone listen to you. It can manifest by you creating a space where someone else can be heard as well. Are you able to respect someone’s choice to not to listen to you in a way that you like? Mindfulness and deep self-awareness about this go a long way into resulting in the kind of relating you say you hope for.
Understanding the best ways to be heard and respecting choice is the relational gift that keeps on giving.