Tonglen and the Peonies ~ A Personal Story About Looking Inward.

My peonies offer such delight every spring in so many ways.  These plants basically ‘go away’ every winter –meaning you can’t see anything, just dirt.  Early Spring they emerge from the soil offering hope of once again experiencing the scent and radiant glory of their flowers.  They begin by growing big and leafing out. Then come the buds.  Round and heavy they are destined to open any day.  Every morning filled with the mystery of when it will happen.  And then it does.  First one, then many (depending on the shrub).  I have three peony plants.  Each plant is similar yet distinct in its beauty and scent.  The flowers last a week to 10 days, the plants are bushy and green throughout the summer.

It wasn’t always this way.  I planted my peonies in all the wrong places at first.  I moved them three times in four years –something that potentially puts them in shock (fight or flight) and they don’t offer flowers in that state. 

For the past two years, maybe three, they have found their perfect home in my garden and I am rewarded by them showing up with wild abandon.  It’s simple really.  When they are well cared for and all their needs are met, they thrive. 

What could this have to do with creating satisfying relationships and a happy life?  And really, what does this have to do with a Tibetan Tonglen practice?  Here’s what I’m thinking…

Everything.

I used to have a meditation practice that had me breathing in what I want, breathing out what I don’t want.  For example, breathing in joy, breathing out despair.  Breathing in confidence and breathing out fear. 

Then I read about Tonglen.   It’s a Tibetan practice of sending and receiving that was different than my own.  When I first did it, I felt a bit nervous, as it is/was almost the opposite of what seemed healthy and effective.  Yet the more I understand about this practice, the more powerful and practical it seems.  This practice is more in alignment with my personal values. 

It’s a simple shift, I breath in ‘what is’, --or what I don’t like, and breathe out healing.  For example, breathing in pain, breathing out healing, breathing in fear and breathing out confidence.  It seems to me that this is an empowered practice.  It assumes and trusts that I can be the transformer of things I don’t want.  I am not reliant (solely) on things outside me to shift what I want to see for myself and in the world.  I find when I do my meditation practice in this way, I feel powerful, uplifted, strong and confident in a way that I haven’t before.  When reading about the practice, it is also offered as a way of contributing to what we want to see more of in our world.  Meaning if we see something happening ‘out there’, rather than avert our eyes, we can take it in, and just breathe out more of what we want –kind of like a prayer in the moment.

It is quite similar to the idea that I am responsible to meet my own needs.  Yes, I will rely on others to help me get them met when necessary.  Yet, ultimately, I am the one who consistently chooses the strategies to meet them.  Taking this idea a bit further, is what I am doing right now contributing to what I want to experience more of. 

In the context of a relationship, if someone said or did something that reminded me of a need that I want to experience more of, is my response generating that need into the situation?  Or is what I am saying or doing in response contributing to more ‘distress’? 

I have been experiencing some relatively painful symptoms which I have been addressing over the past couple of months.  I went to some alternative practitioners, each offering me this and that, herbs, salves, tinctures, supplements.  When I had no more room on my countertop, I decided that this outward in approach to my health just wasn’t me.  I cleared off the countertop and addressed my nourishment.  How I take care of myself.  What is my body asking me to notice and attend to? 

A few weeks later and while I am happy with many of the changes I am noticing, some of the painful symptoms persist.  I pulled a Tarot card for some clarity –something I know only a little about, that was alarming to me.  I was talking with my partner Steve about it and after the conversation, realized that I was talking about my body as if I had nothing to do with it.  That there was something happening to me, and that I remained separate from it.  I referred to the situation as ‘it’ rather than ‘I’.   Even in a situation where there was no ‘other’ to blame for my distress, I made one up and labeled it as ‘it’.

I remembered something essential to my self-care that I had forgotten. 

The details of what this remembering offered me was/is significant.  I want to focus on the practice of knowing my needs, even in the consideration of how I care for myself, day in and day out, especially when my body is screaming loudly that there is a big deficit somewhere.

This can be as it has shown up for me, in the physical realm, yet it also shows up in the mental and emotional realms as well.  If you are often depressed, or have anxiety –words I hear very often these days, this is your body-mind screaming that there is something amiss.  There is a lack of something(s).  Your/our job is to dive and explore quite specifically what you want more of.  The question is: what, if you could wave a magic wand, would be happening that you would feel whole and content?  The answer to this question leads you to uncovering the needs, or touchstones that you long for.  They can be elusive in this culture of goal setting and focusing on strategies.  Remember, strategies are actions to meet needs.

In your daily life, how conscious are you of your needs?  Regardless of when you are having big symptoms grabbing your attention, or simply momentary feelings designed to remind you of what you want to create. Bigger symptoms happen when we ignore the feelings over and over.  They clearly make it so we can no longer ignore needs are not being met in bigger ways.  We aren’t thriving in ways that we like.  Once again, focusing inward thinking to what needs are in deficit is how we can approach whatever is happening.

Bringing this story full circle, remember the story about the peonies?  For a few years their needs were not being met in a way they could thrive.  Not enough sun, warmth, air, etc.  It was as simple as finding the condition where these needs were met and these plants offered their fullest beauty possible.  Their needs are being met and they are thriving.

I believe it is true for me, in every moment.  I just forgot.   And I am grateful my body has a system of letting me know—clearly and directly so that I can’t ignore it (myself) any longer.

I am also grateful for the people in my life who offer me the conversations that allow me to remember who I am.