Grumpy Gratitude

Why be grateful when the day (relationship, project, moment) just sucks?   

Because it changes everything.

A few days ago I had another wild experience of my gratitude practice.  It was one of those days.  I had a nice plan of the day’s activities.  I allotted plenty of time to accomplish what I anticipated getting done.  Mostly errands which included banking, sending out some packages and picking up stuff for a garden project.

I gather all the things I need —package to send out, deposit for the bank, etc.,  get my coat on and remember to grab my mask—not my strong suit.  It’s a cloudy and brisk day which is perfect weather for what I had planned. 

Stop #1:  I was going to the bank because something was amiss as I was trying to transfer money online from one account to another.   I arrive at the bank and park.  The bank is just two blocks away.  I only drove because it was on a loop of errands, some much further away.  Much further.  I parked and find the front door locked.  The lobby is closed because of the corona virus.  I go from feeling fabulous to feeling furious in the 15 seconds it took me to process this.   Backstory:  last time I went to my other bank, I arrived at my two local branches to find them both closed and was directed by a sign to another branch which was on the other side of town, where I found a line outside (it was cold and I wasn’t prepared).  I share this with you so you can absolutely get behind my fury at this bank.

I was able to calm down enough to discover that I could get service at the drive-through.  I was now pretty secure in the thought that driving two blocks was very a good idea indeed.  I get back in the car and drive to the drive-through.   The very, very friendly teller lets me know that because of something I arranged for previously, I now wasn’t able to transfer funds, and the remedy to that seemed complicated to me.  She could not help me and she was sorry.  Fury turned into despair, rage, confusion, and fear.  I was feeling helpless and hopeless.  My financial well-being (at least in my thoughts) depended on making that transfer.  I was close to freaking out.  I can tell this when I notice that I am asking the same question over and over.  Are you sure?  There’s nothing you can do?  Why isn’t there anything you can do?  These kinds of questions are indicators that I am entering into a panic moment.

What I know to do if I want to change how things are, is practice gratitude.  Not the easiest of things when my being is pulsating with despair, rage, confusion and fear.  I had already texted the person who I thought could help me make the change the bank was asking for and was waiting for a reply.  There was nothing else practical to do.  I turn on my Beautiful Chorus  Thank You meditation Chant pretty loud and just start shouting out gratitudes in my car.  I wasn’t feeling grateful, yet I was actually grateful for the things I was saying.  In these cases, I tend to think of simple things:  I am grateful I can walk, that I have a car, that I like my car, that my car has heat, that it goes, that I can afford gasoline, for my neighborhood, for my gloves.  When I am in fight/flight, I am not all that creative, nor do I ask myself to be.  I am grateful for the pants I have on, and that I have pants.  That’s it.  The chant is 4 minutes.

Mind you I am driving to Stop #2.  Which was impossible to get to and obey the law.  3rd Street going north was closed, so I loop around and Brown Street was also closed going east.  I’m not exactly remembering how many expletives were woven into my gratitudes.  It was quite a mixture—yet I would not give up.  After driving the one section of American Street that is one-way in the other direction, I arrive at Stop #2 —Liberties Parcel.  I get a spot right in front.  Grab the package I want to send off and find a sign on their door.  They are closed for the corona virus.  

O-F*ing-Kay.  I am glad they are staying safe.  

My growing feelings that I listed above were heightened.  Rage x2, Despair x2, Confusion x2.  Not good.  I hadn’t heard back yet on my text, either.  (It has been about 9 minutes).  Maybe I actually have anger issues.  Which is a good reason to have a Gratitude Practice.

Now I get to head to the UPS Store —I absolutely know they are open because I have been previously.  Yet, navigating my way there in a car, with 3rd Street being closed going north took a bit of ingenuity.  I credit that the Gratitudes created enough calm in order for me to remember that 3rdStreet was closed.  Really.

I send my package off.

I repeated my gratitudes another time.  In times like this I have a rule:  I get to repeat the same ones over and over;  I like my hair, grateful that I have friends, and the like.  I am a bit more calm, yet still very concerned about the financial piece —I did not want to bounce a check I had just written and mailed to the city for my Real Estate Taxes (which I discovered literally 10 minutes after depositing it into the mailbox that the city extended the due date by 2 months).  That was two days ago already, I was grateful that I had the money to pay the bill at all.  [Are you noticing the mental whiplash I am experiencing?  Does this ever happen to you?]

Back in the car I remember I have an email in my phone that, if I can find it, has the name of a person who I might reach out to who can help me.  I find it and there was a phone number!  I call it and someone answered!!  The woman I was asking for was on maternity leave, yet the man who answered was someone I had been negotiating with and he remembered me, and knew exactly what needed to be done!  What?!  He would email me a document and I would email it to my bank.  Easy enough.  And while I was talking with him, my friend texted me back — with the words:  “On it!”  Quite comforting.  Crystal clear.  Indicated care, competence and reliability.  Three of the most meaningful needs in my life.  I had two people now taking steps to help me.

I am ¾ to the way of Stop #3 which was simply an errand at Lowe’s.  Getting stuff for the garden.   I am now inspired by the gratitudes working and do another round.  A little less grumpy for sure.

To make this long story short, at Lowe’s it was a mix of way-less-impactful no’s turning to yeses. Meaning the cinderblocks I was looking for and parked near in the garden section (they are very heavy) actually were on the very, very opposite side of the store.  I mean, the very last aisle on the very other side – contracting section.  Bad.  Yet, when I arrived there, I found cinderblock bricks, which I never knew existed and were perfect —even better, than my plan for the cinder blocks.  Good.  And it was an OTM (opportunity to move!)  Another Good.

I get back home, unload the bricks and blocks, head upstairs to do the banking and emailing.  

It took longer than I thought it should.  It began with bunch of phone calls, being on hold, talking to different departments and repeating the same story a few times.  It ended by walking (yes, walking to the drive through!), because the form I needed to solve the initial problem lived at my bank branch, they just didn’t know about it.  Throughout the whole process, which really did take a few hours, I remained courteous and connected, and so did the people at BB+T.  It was just a mix up that couldn’t be helped, and they seemed committed to helping me.  I came through the ‘ordeal’ with all relationships in tact.

That last sentence is the most important thing to me in life.  

I credit the Grumpy Gratitude practice.  Remaining connected to all that is wonderful in my life, while two things were not, is a game changer.  In my mind, life was horrible, when in reality, a few things were taking longer than I would like.  That’s all.  A gratitude practice —grumpy or not, is the remedy for having a bad day. 

Truth be told, I fully believe it is more than that. I changed the outcome.  I think it is why my friend texted me right away, I believe it is why that person answered the phone and knew exactly what to do, I am confident that is why the person (people) at my bank were pleasant (I mean unusually pleasant), and why I found the cinder-bricks.    There is so much science and are so many spiritual writings about how we what think changes our reality — that how we think actually is the reality. 

You do not have to be pleasant and wearing lovely yoga pants and burning incense to have a gratitude practice.  Grumpy Gratitudes are just fine.